UTAH || SKYLAR IS HOME!!

I'm so grateful I was able to make it work to go home twice this past fall/winter. In October Skylar came home from the Dominican Republic and I couldn't wait to go home and see him and hear his homecoming talk. Tanner was able to go with me and it was a fun - although way too short - trip.

We took a late flight so that I could work all day on Thursday and we didn't get to Utah until almost 11pm. Good thing too, it took Dad and Skylar all day to get ready for us!! :)

He's a pretty good travel companion!! First order of business on Friday morning was a big dirty diet coke {or whatever they call it at Sodalicious!}

Then I had a photo shoot at the Provo City Center Temple, you can see it HERE. We also did some baptism pictures, you can see those HERE. Then we we drove up the canyon to meet my new friend Emily Broadbent to do some updated family pictures. I LOVE how they turned out. Here are a couple of me, I'll share the rest when I share my Christmas cards. The canyon and the mountains were SO beautiful!!! {I really, really miss the mountains!}

After our pictures we ran and got some flowers and went to visit the two cemeteries. It's still surreal that I have to visit the cemetery when I go to Utah now. It still pulls at my heart string and makes me sad, and sometimes angry. It's still raw and open sometimes, but it is getting better, little by little, day by day, it is getting better.

Friday night the weather got crazy and one of my photo shoots had to be re-scheduled. We went and hung out at Brett's house and all sorts of craziness erupted!! It was quite a night of crazy antics, gorillas, moon shoes, and many laughs. {It was just what we all needed}.

Saturday morning I had three more photo shoots, you can see them HERE, HERE and HERE. They were ALL so much fun and I'm so grateful we were able to capture so many fun memories together! It was pretty stormy by Saturday night, so we decided to postpone the last photo shoot until Sunday, you can see it HERE.

Here are some pictures my sister took of me taking pictures this morning, I LOVE behind the scenes photos of me working!

And then we went to Mi Ranchito because you can't go to Utah and NOT go to Mi's. YUMMO!! It was SOOOO crazy, but so fun!!

AND SOOOOO GOOD!!!

Sunday was Skylar's homecoming, the reason why we came to Utah, I made sure Tanner knew that going to church was NOT optional. He was expected to be AT church, on time. And Skylar's talk was SO good. He's grown up so much and he's gained such a strong testimony. I'm so proud of him. But more important than his talk was the fact that ALL SEVEN of us, and all but one of the grandchildren were there together, AT church to support him. I know it was uncomfortable for some of them {my own son included}. I know some of them don't go to church right now and THAT'S OK!!! I have learned so much about agency, about love and about acceptance. It doesn't mean that I like the choice my siblings, or my own son are making, but it does mean that I LOVE THEM ALL UNCONDITIONALLY!!! Choosing to love someone is really a choice we all make. It doesn't matter what they do, or don't do, we can ALWAYS love them and show them that we love them.

I know mamma was there with us. I know she was proud of each one of us for being there to support Skylar. I know that she is cheering us on every day. I know that she loves us each unconditionally.

I am SO, SO grateful for the things I have learned in the last few years. I would not choose these trials, but they have changed me in ways that nothing else could. I am so proud of you Skylar, I can't imagine losing my mom at such a young age, and while I was away in a foreign country serving the Lord. I can't imagine coming home almost two years later and having her not be there any more. I can't imagine how hard the last two years must have been for you, but I also can't imagine the amount of people you have touched, and the testimonies you have helped to grow, because of your faith. I love you bud!! WELCOME HOME!!

After church, we hung out at dad's house, made silly faces and enjoyed being together as a family.

Monday we had to leave to come home. We went to lunch with dad and Skylar and then we went to the airport. It was such a fun weekend and I am SO grateful that we were able to come!

I LOVE this owl that Skylar brought me from the Dominican Republic. It reminds me of mamma, and teal, and owls, and Skylar and everything. Thank you!!

IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN || TWO YEARS LATER

If you had told me 2 years ago that I would be where I am today I would NEVER have believed you. Two years ago we were sitting by my mom's side knowing that any day, any moment could be her last, watching her slip away from us, knowing that there was nothing we could do to keep her here and that we had precious little time left with her. Two years ago I was heart-broken and I didn't believe that I was ever going to be able to move forward without my mom. Two years ago my marriage was falling apart, but I was so heartbroken over losing my mother, that I couldn't do anything about it. Two years ago, I was broken. I was afraid and alone. Two years ago, my life was shattered in pieces and I had no idea how to put it back together.

The last two years have not been easy. There have been many, many tears. There has been anger and pain. There has been laughter and joy. There has been heartbreak and heartache. There has been hope and healing.

And today?

Today I am not only living, I am living my best life, I am happy and I find joy in everyday. I have found a passion and a purpose. I have found ME. I'm not sure I can explain how much this means to me and how much it has changed my life and my view of those around me. I'm not sure I can explain my why, the reason why I believe photos are SO important and why I pour my heart and soul into every session. 

Six months ago I decided that I needed something in my life that brought me joy. I wanted something more. I needed to do something different. The last year and a half had been brutal and I needed something that made me feel like I was giving back, something that made me smile. If you have known me very long, you know that I am passionate about photos, documenting and story telling. I have bookcases full of scrapbooks from the last 20 years of my life. I have pictures of EVERYTHING. Just ask Tanner! 

I decided to put all of my faith in myself, and stop being afraid to fail and I invested in photography classes from Amy & Jordan Demos. I watched every lesson and I did EVERYTHING they told me to do, I learned how to shoot, and edit, I learned how to pose, I learned how to run a business and how to be successful. Then, I practiced and I prayed. Oh, how I prayed. I prayed that I would be good enough, that I would have someone who would want me to take their pictures. I prayed that I would be able to JUST cover the costs of the classes with new clients. I prayed again that I wouldn't fail. 

Today I've updated my BLOG, my WEBSITE and my FACEBOOK with a new logo, a new design and ALL new pictures that I've taken in the last 6 months. Not only did I cover all of the cost of the classes, but I've more than tripled the amount the classes cost.  I was able to take Tanner to see Les Miserables, I was able to go home to Utah, I was able to pay off some debt. I am SO DANG PROUD of where I am today!!!! I am SO DANG PROUD of the work that I am producing now. I am confident that I AM good enough. I am confident that I know what to do to get the kind of images I want to get, EVERY TIME!!

In addition to the classes, I have gained an entire community of photographers around the world who cheer for each other. Who help each other, who answer questions and give guidance. I have made so many new friends and have received so much love and guidance from this whole new community. I didn't expect this when I signed up for some online photography classes. {they are SO MUCH MORE than just classes!!}

I didn't expect this to change my life so much. I didn't expect to find so much Joy and feel so fulfilled. 

This was taken by my new AJ Friend Emily Broadbent

I sit here tonight with tears streaming down my face in gratitude to a loving Father in Heaven who NEVER gives up on me even when I don't have enough faith in myself. He directs my life every day. I KNOW that He guided and directed me to those classes. I know that it was exactly what I needed RIGHT NOW in my life. I know that he is aware of me and my needs. I know that he provides for me and that he will NEVER leave me to figure it out on my own. I know that I can trust Him, because he is the same today, yesterday and forever. 

I can't help but think that my angel mamma is up in heaven CHEERING with me tonight. I feel her with me often, but tonight I wish I could call her and hear her tell me that she knew I could do it, that she always believed in me. I wish I could show her how far I've come. {I'm sure she already knows}. I feel her guidance. I feel her love. I know that she is watching over me always, but I am so grateful that I have felt her so close as I have taken this huge step in my life. 

I love you mamma. I miss you every minute of every day. I don't know how I've lived 2 whole years without you, but I have. I've made it and even though I can't see you, I can feel you in my life and I know that you are so proud of all the hard work I've been doing to learn and to grow. 

I love you more!!

IF YOU GOT THIS FAR: In my mamma's honor, I'm giving away a FAMILY PHOTO SESSION {$295} VALUE, go to my Pinned Post HERE to find out all the details!!

TOFW - Madison, WI

This past weekend was Time out for Women in Madison, WI {about 2.5 hours away from here}. A few months ago a friend asked me if I wanted to be on the staff and help with advertising the event and helping for the weekend. Uhm, YES!! Our "payment" for helping out was a ticket to attend for the whole weekend and reserved seats. {btw, reserved seats is a GREAT payment!}.

It was such a nice break and so much fun to get away with Janet and Christine. {Janet was on the committee with me}.

We arrived and were put right to work, our team was in charge of seating and ushering. Janet and I were in charge of the reserved seating, and handicap entrance. Except for the stairs we had to go up and down, and up and down again....which is why I'm wearing my flip flops instead of my cute wedges I was wearing! 

The presentation was great. There were so many good presenters, but my favorite part of Friday night was David Archuleta. He sang several times during the program, and shared some stories and experiences and his testimony with us. He was so cute, and SO young. I just can't believe he was on American Idol so many years ago and that he is really just 24. At the end of the night, Janet and I were asked to help with the CD signing, uhm, sure! {I quickly RAN and bought us each our own CD so that we could have him sign them!} We helped for about an hour with keeping people in line and keeping the line moving...at the end, after everyone was done we got our CD's signed and then we were able to get a quick picture with David. {we felt a tiny bit bad because we'd been telling everyone all night that they couldn't take pictures with him, I guess that's one of the perks of being on the team}.

We didn't get to sleep until after midnight, and our hotel was about 20 minutes away from the venue and we had to be at the venue at 7:15am, so we had to get up early the next morning....and we were tired!! The presenters the next day were just as good, and just as inspiring. 

They were all amazing and heartfelt and I loved so many of the things they shared, but I was so incredibly inspired by Alissa Parker. She is the mother of Emily Parker who was killed in the school shooting at Sandy Hook in 2012. She was AMAZING. She was inspiring, she was in pain, and real and raw and honest. I loved her story. I loved how much I connected to her. I'm sure it's because I've felt some of the pain she has felt. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a child, especially in such a horrible way, but grief and pain connects you in a way that nothing else can. I knew a tiny portion of the pain she had felt, when she was describing some of the feelings she had, I knew exactly what she meant because I have felt them. Because I have felt grief and pain. She was so inspiring and spoke directly to my heart.

The main point of her talk was to recognize the angels that are all around us, she talked about many of the angels who helped her get through the death of Emily. I think this connection was most of the reason I loved her talk, because I KNOW who those angels are in my life, I KNOW that God sent people to help me get through those horrible hours, days, weeks and months. I KNOW what she was talking about when she said that she couldn't move, that she couldn't do anything for herself and that God sent her an angel to help her, even when she didn't want any help.

I also really liked that she shared a couple of experiences she had when she saw into Emily's new life and she knew she was there with her and that she was happy and living her life. I know that my mamma is happy. I know that she is still working and serving. I know that she is with us, I feel her often. I am grateful for her testimony of eternal life and for her sharing her story with us. Here is a tiny clip from her talk.

I am so grateful for all of the angels in my life. I am grateful for the great Plan of Happiness. I am grateful for my Savior, for my testimony and for the peace and joy that I feel. There are hard days. Thinking about the future is hard, knowing what I'm supposed to do is hard, but I can not deny the peace, joy and contentment I feel that I am in the right place. That God is with me and that I am being watched over by angels, both heavenly and earthly angels. I'm so grateful for my friends and for the sisterhood of the Gospel that we share!! It was a wonderful Time Out weekend!!

My New Place

I decided to take some good pictures with my good camera now that I'm mostly done decorating my new house. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude for everyone who helped me get moved into my new place, gave me furniture, helped me unpack, helped me decorate and made me feel so loved. I am loving my new place and am so grateful for the blessings I have received!

A New Chapter

And now, we start a new chapter in both of our lives. A new normal. A new schedule. New issues. Visitation and scheduling time to see Tanner. It's strange and surreal, but I still know we made the right decision.

Wednesday morning we went to court. I was running late and then got stuck in traffic and I was freaking out by the time I got to the courthouse. (Jason was already there and I had talked to him that morning and told him I was on my way.) I had to park, run to the courthouse, get through security, run to the room and then after all my freaking out and panic, we sat and waited and waited for the judge to come in the room. I started crying as soon as we sat down in the courtroom. I knew I needed to pull it together before the judge came in, and I took a few deep breaths and tried to settle down.

The judge came in and they called another divorce case before us. I was so grateful that we would have a chance to see someone else stand up in front of the judge first. Then it was our turn. We stood in front of the judge, answered the questions, and dissolved our 20 year marriage with one signature. It was very strange. I was very calm and peaceful and felt so much strength in the courtroom.

We had to wait for an hour or so to get our paperwork, so Jason and I went to get something to eat at the cafeteria. {I know it's strange that we went and ate together, but we really are friends and we get along better now than we have in several years}.  Jason grabbed a diet coke out of the cooler and handed it to me, this label was facing right at me and I KNEW in that instant that my mamma was there with me. {I had been praying that I would feel her}.

I was overcome with emotion and started crying. I knew that I had made the right choice. I knew that I was doing what was best for me. I knew that I would find peace and joy and that even though it's hard to be alone and it's hard to think about the future alone, I know that God is aware of me. He knows my struggles, my trials, my heart, my disappointment, my fear, my feelings of failure. He knows and He will not leave me to struggle alone.

We ate breakfast and then went and waited for the clerk to have our paperwork ready. It is so strange how quick, easy and emotionless it was to file for a divorce. It's crazy that after 20 years of marriage, we are not married anymore. It's a very strange feeling. I haven't even gotten to the point that I can call him my ex-husband yet. We left and went our separate ways, we both had to go to work. I left the courthouse, but realized after a few minutes that I didn't get a picture, so I turned around and went back to take a picture of the courthouse.

So, on to the new life. Single. No longer married to Jason. But always a part of his life. I am so grateful for all of the love and support we have felt for each other. We have been able to agree on everything and make it all work out the best way for Tanner. He is the most important and we are both working really hard to make sure he knows that we both love him no matter what.

I am so grateful for all of my friends who have been so generous and supportive and helped me get moved into my new house and get unpacked and get it all set up. I LOVE it! It's adorable and more than I could have ever imagined when I thought about moving out. I have been so incredibly blessed to be able to figure out everything I needed to have and have so much support.

I feel like I have been so blessed and protected. I feel like God has opened up the windows of heaven and poured blessings down on me. I feel so fortunate that even though the outcome wasn't what either of us would have planned, we are both so much happier and better off now.

Yesterday I went to the temple. I thought that I would cry and be upset the entire time, but once again God was there with me. I happened to sit right next to an older lady who lives in our stake. She has been divorced. She is now remarried and in a much better situation. I just kept thinking about her the entire time. I kept feeling so much peace and love. I know that God has a plan for me, that I will have a marvelous future and that I will find love and joy once again. I felt such love and comfort in the temple yesterday. I was surprised how calm I felt. I didn't even cry. I love the blessings of the temple and the peace and joy it brings to my life.

It's been an emotional, crazy week, but I am confident that God is with me. I know that mamma is watching over me and I know that I made the right choice. As hard as this week as been, and as hard as it is to move forward, I know that I will find joy and peace as I continue to follow the commandments and keep my covenants.

What a crazy few months it's been......

Wow, what a crazy few months it's been in our life. It's been some of the hardest, most trying months I've ever had, I feel like I would like to go back about 3 years and start over again, but I know that's not how life works. I know I can't start over, I can't change the course our life is taking, I can't make it all work the way that I think it should. I am heartbroken and sad, but I am filled with hope and peace so I know that the decisions we are making is the right decision for our family.

I posed this on my facebook page on May 20th. 

"It's with a heavy heart that I write this email. I am so sorry that it's in an email and not a personal phone call, but I can't go through telling it over and over again, so please accept my apology.

Jason and I are getting divorced. We have fought for 20 years to keep our marriage together, but we are both miserable and we are making Tanner miserable. We have struggled with some major things in our marriage and there is too much hurt and mistrust to be able to be together. It's not that we can't or won't forgive each other, we already have. It's that we don't want the same things anymore and we don't have each others best interests at heart.

We have prayed and prayed and I've been to the temple and I've yelled at mom to fix it and we've been to counseling and met with our bishop and done EVERYTHING that we can physically and spiritually do to fix it and it's time to move on. Heavenly Father has confirmed to all three of us {and a few other people} that this is the right choice for our family. I KNOW it's not the way that I thought my life would end up, but as we all know life doesn't always go the way we want it to.

I am planning to move into the townhouse a few doors down and live there for the next year until Tanner finishes high school. I am going to start working full time at the tax office year round and I will be able to make it on my own for now. Jason is going to stay in the house and we are going to have joint custody of Tanner so he can go back and forth and be with both of us. He is old enough to decide who he wants to live with and we are going to let that be his decision. We filed today and hope to have it final in about 6 weeks.

Please know that I will always love Jason and he will always be a part of my life. I ask that you respect him and love him and never say anything unkind about him as he is the father of my child. I will forever love him for giving me Tanner and for helping me through some of the hardest years of my life. He has decided to stop going to our church and is going to be attending a non-denominational christian church with a friend of ours and is trying to figure out who he is and what he really believes. I am proud of him for taking charge of his life and admitting that what we have is not what he wants and is not making him happy. It is one of the bravest things he has ever done. We are still good friends. We have communicated more in the last 5 days than we have in probably 10 years. I am so grateful that we are able to work out the details of our sorrow with each other and move forward with love and faith.

I love each of you so much and I know how much we have all struggled. I miss my mom every minute of everyday and I bawled like a baby when I realized that I couldn't call her and cry to her about my life falling apart. I want to share with you an experience I had in the temple on Saturday.

I left my house very angry. Jason and I had been fighting and Jason wouldn't go with me so I was not in the best spirit to even go to the temple, but I wanted to be in the temple that morning as it was the anniversary of mom's death and so I went. I cried the whole way there. When I was just about 10 minutes away my bishop called me {I had texted him when I left my house}, I talked to him for a few minutes and then he told me that Jason was calling him on the other line so I let him go and talk to Jason. I figured he would smooth things over like he has done so many times in the past and that every thing would be better when I got home.

I went into the temple and I cried for the next three hours. Big sobbing tears. I was sitting in the lobby waiting for the next session and a member of the temple presidency asked me if I wanted to sit in his office {he was probably embarrassed} then a matron came and sat with me and talked to me and let me cry. I finally went into the session and I cried the whole time. I was sobbing so hard at the veil that I could barely speak. I stumbled into the celestial room and literally fell into a chair sobbing big wracking sobs. I hadn't felt mom at all, I knew my marriage was a mess, I was angry at Jason for not being there, I knew that Tanner was so sick and tired of us fighting and not being able to support him, I was just a mess. A lady came up and gave me a hug and said, "I don't know what you're going through, but your Heavenly Father does and he wants me to tell you that he loves you and that it will all be ok".

I felt her love, but more importantly, I felt the love of my Heavenly Father. As I sat there bawling my eyes out, it was suddenly like the room was filled with light and I felt a physical warmth shining in from the ceiling stained glass window. I felt it beating on me like the light from heaven. {It wasn't the sun because it was cold and rainy on Saturday} Then I felt a breeze blow past me as if I was standing outside on a windy day and I knew in that moment that mom was there beside me, that she was with me, that she had come to hold me. My heart instantly settled and I felt her tell me that everything was going to be ok. That no matter what happened, God loved me and that everything was going to work out just how it was supposed to. I left the temple feeling so full of light and love. I cried happy tears the whole way home and knew that God was going to get me through and that we were going to be able to fix everything. I felt such relief.

I walked in the house and Jason met me with "I'm done. I'm tired of this. We are not happy and I've decided that it's time for us to get divorced." My heart shattered. I had just felt such love and peace and wondered why would God give me that experience in the temple if it wasn't meant to work out. I tried to beg and plead, I cried some more, I prayed, I yelled. {it wasn't pretty}.

But, this is why. Because God loves each one of us individually and he knew that I needed to feel his love that morning. We all struggle. We all have hard things to deal with in our lives, sometimes struggles that no one else even knows about, but God never leaves us to struggle alone. NEVER. He loves us in a way that we can't even comprehend. As I have prayed and struggled for the last 5 days to make peace with my life, I have felt his calming assuring love more than I've felt since the nights I was sitting by mom's side as she prepared to leave this earth life. The veil has been very thin. I know that he understands my pain, I know that he doesn't want me to be miserable. I know that if he told me to stay and keep fighting, that I would stay and keep fighting. And I know that he has told me that I can move forward. That we can all receive the peace, happiness and joy that he has waiting for us. I know that this is the right path for our life to take, as hard as it seems to be right now.

Thank you for letting me share my heart with you. Thank you for being my friends and family. If you are struggling with anything in your life, trust God. Sometimes the right answer is not the easiest. I love you all. I hope that you will pray for our family, especially my sweet boys, they are both struggling with their testimonies and need to feel the love of God as I do. Please trust that we have wrestled and wrestled with this decision and that we truly believe that God is directing us.

It's been 2 weeks since we filed for divorce and it seems that God has opened up the windows of heaven and is pouring out blessings that I can barely receive. He is so good, he has provided so many answers to our prayers, so many blessings and more tender mercies than I can even comprehend. Yes, our family will be different. Yes, our life will be different, Yes, this is NOT what I thought would be the right answer, but I KNOW that it is the right thing for all of us right now and I am at peace that God will not leave us alone in this trail, or any other trial we will face.

What has impacted your year? And how did it change you?

I saw this on a friends post, she only did 9 photos, 

but I couldn't narrow it down to 9, so here are my top 16....

What has impacted your year? And how did it change you?

• My sweet boy turned made the Madrigal Choir at school and turned 16 years old and started drivers ed. 
• I ran 10 miles again at the Soldier Field 10 Miler and did way better than I ever thought possible. 
• Jason and I made an effort to attend the temple more often. 
• My whole world changed on July 10th when my mom was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. 
• We had family pictures taken. 
• I spent most of the year with my mom, taking care of her. 
• My littlest brother went to serve a mission in the Dominican Republic. 
• My mom continued to get sicker and sicker and nothing we were doing was helping. 
• We brought mom home on hospice care for her final days on the earth. 
• My boys were able to come to Utah to say good-bye to her thanks to the tender mercies of our Heavenly Father. 
• We were able to fulfill her final dying wish and have Michael McLean come to our house and sing to her. 
• We rallied together as Team Cindy. 
• My boys were able to come back to Utah for mom's funeral. We had a celebration like I've never seen before because of the generosity of others and the tender mercies of our Heavenly Father.
• I buried my mom's physical body, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. 
• I got to see my two best friends from high school and the miracles that have taken place in their lives. 
• I learned first hand that God places people in our lives for very specific reasons. 
• I was given the greatest gift of all, this statue represents the unconditional love of my mother and her simple testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

 The most important part is how it has changed me:

• I know that it's ok that I only have one child because he needs me to be there for him and he will be gone from my influence before I know it. I will be more present in his life and listen to him tell me about his friends and his interests. 
• I know that I can do physically hard things and push my body harder than I ever thought possible. I will never quit. 
• I know that obedience brings blessings, I had no idea at the beginning of the year how much I would need to peace of the temple this year. I'm so grateful that we made an effort to go more often. I know going to the temple brings a peace that can be found nowhere else on the earth. I will go even more often. 
• I know that God is in control and that we don't get to pick the trials that we are asked to bear. Cancer Sucks. I know that we do not have any idea what someone is going through and how hard it really is until we have gone through it or watched someone firsthand go through it. I will be more compassionate and have more empathy for those around me. I will give more and listen to the promptings I receive to reach out to those around me. 
• There is nobody else in the world like your mother. I can not replace her and I can't bring her back, but I will live each day to make her proud of me. I will reach out to those around me, I will share the gospel through my example. 
• I will listen to the promptings of the Holy Ghost. I know that I was prompted to go to Utah to take these family pictures before Skylar left and I would have regretted it everyday for the rest of my life it I had not listened. I will always listen. 
• I watched my littlest brother, who is only 18, make the hardest decision of his life and leave his mother to serve the Lord as a full time missionary. He knew that there was a chance he would never see her again on this earth and he had enough faith and courage to answer the call to serve. I will be more obedient, have more faith and courage to do the things that the Lord asks me to do. I will always remember his example to me.
• There is always a reason for why things don't work out the way we want them to. I know it wasn't because of a lack of faith on our part that she was taken from us. I think it takes even more faith to not be healed. I have reached deep within my soul and know without any doubt that the plan of salvation is real and that we will be together forever someday. My testimony of the plan of salvation has been strengthened. I will share it with others.
• We were blessed to have been given so much time to spend together these past 6 months. I will always remember the tender mercies that Heavenly Father provided that allowed me to be able to be in Utah, Jason to be able to take care of things here at home and my family to be able to rally together. He truly is a God of miracles. He provides angels among us who bless us temporally and spiritually. I will pay it forward. I will do what I can to help those in need.
• I know that God answers prayers even for the smallest, maybe even silliest things because he is in the details of our lives. I know that he put the right people in our lives to be able to contact Michael McLean and I know that Michael was guided and inspired to come fulfill mom's last wish. I will pray and ask Heavenly Father for the desires of my heart and trust that he will grant them, if it be HIS will. 
• I know that my family is united. I know that no matter what our trials or hardships, we will be there for each other. I know that we don't always get along, but it's ok. We know that we love each other and when hard times come, we will be there for each other, NO MATTER WHAT! I will cherish that always. Team Cindy Forever!
• Once again, God provided tender mercies for so many people to be at the funeral and celebrate the life of my sweet mother. We were given so many blessings that in the details of her celebration because our Heavenly Father knew they were important to us. I will trust that He has a plan, that he knows the way and that He will bless us with all that our hearts desire if we will come to Him. I also know that doesn't mean we will always get everything we want, I wanted mom to be cured, but that was not meant to be. I will still trust Him and His plan.
• I know that God carried me during the days of mom's funeral and burial. I know that I couldn't have done it without Him. I will put my faith in Him and trust that He will be there for me during the hardest times of my life.
• I know that God gave me my friends {all of them} for very specific reasons. I know that all of them have been placed in my life to help me. I am grateful that we have so many relationships on this earth that will also transcend death and that we will be able to be with those we love, who are not "family" on the other side of the veil. 
• When this sweet nurse ran up to me and hugged me that day at the hospital, I knew that she just "got it". I knew that somehow she knew. And then she told me that her mother had died from Ovarian Cancer 5 years ago, and I knew that God had given her to us at this very specific time because she really did "get it". She knew, and because of that I knew that God knew. I knew that He knew me and he knew mom. She loved her nurses and they were all such a tender mercy for her during her time of greatest need. I will always be grateful for the amazing strength and love they had for my mother.

Most importantly, I was changed this year by my sweet angel mother and her simple, yet profound testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. She simply lived it. She didn't shout it from the rooftops, she didn't scold us too much when we were dis-obedient, she didn't withdraw her love from us when we disappointed her. {and we all did!} She didn't preach to us or force us. She simply lived it, every minute of every day. She loved unconditionally. She accepted us no matter what. YES, we disappointed her. YES, we disobeyed. YES, we made mistakes and made her upset. But it never changed the way she loved us.

The most important lesson I learned this year is that none of us have any idea how long we will be on this earth. None of us know when our time will come. None of us can plan on changing later because we might not have time. When we are disobedient and don't follow our Heavenly Father, we are the ones who miss out on the blessings and the happiness we could have had. He loves us no matter what. He will forgive us no matter what. We are the ones who suffer because of our poor choices. I know that mom knew this without any doubt.

Because of her, I will LOVE more, I will accept more, I will judge less, I will force less. I will simply live the Gospel and one day hope to be half as amazing and wonderful as she is! I love you mamma. I miss you every single minute of every day. I wish you were here so that I could tell you how much you mean to me. I know that you already know, but I want to tell you and hear your voice again. I want you to tell me that you "love me more", I want you to hold my hand and tell me that it's all going to be ok. I want you to share your sweet testimony with me one more time. I want you to call me and I want to be able to hug you one more time.

But then again, one more time would never be enough. I miss you like crazy! I love you more!!

Dallas Trip

Once again, this trip was planned before my summer fell apart and I spent it all in Utah. I bought my ticket with my tax bonus because I wanted to go see MaryRuth's new baby {who I got to see in Utah for a day, but that wasn't really the plan either}. I decided to just go and enjoy the time away, I was able to work on my Utah pages and have a nice break away from all the stress!! We went to Canton {AWESOME} and several times to Sonic, and of course the TACO BUS!!  It was a wonderful Labor Day weekend and I'm so grateful that MaryRuth and I have stayed so close for so many years!! I love you girl!!