It's CANCER....NOW WHAT?

I've been approached MANY times by friends who have recently learned someone in their lives has been diagnosed with cancer. I have been asked many questions about how they should react, what they can do, how they can help, what kinds of things helped me the most. I've been asked how to help during treatment, how to help when there isn't anything else they can do and they know their loved one is going to die, and how to help during the funeral. I thought it might be helpful to write down everything I can think of - I'm sure I'll still forget things - but, I'm hoping it will be a good resource that I can share when I'm asked next time. {unfortunately, I'm sure I will be!} 

This is ALL from MY experience, I know that everyone's experience is different and everyone will need different things!!

First of all, remember that the first few days everyone is just in complete shock. Suddenly your entire world stops moving. You can't eat, can't sleep, can't stop thinking about the uncertainty of the future. You don't want to do normal things. You don't want to act "ok" around people. You want to cry, scream, be depressed, yell, be angry....and EVERY other emotion you've ever felt. Sometimes you find out about someone in your life who has cancer, a friend, or family member, and you can't share it with anyone. Sometimes you don't know how much to share. It's a very complicated, uncertain place to be. Some of my thoughts on this are:

First of all, TRY not to ask "what can I do?" There is no answer to this question. There is nothing that would make it any better except to take away the cancer and have your loved one healed. If you think of something that you can do, JUST DO IT!!! EVERY call, text, letter, card, gift, show of support, and prayer is felt. Listen to the Holy Spirit and follow any prompting that you receive. I testify that on some of the hardest days, during some of the hardest times, I would receive a blessing that I KNOW came directly from my loving Heavenly Father through pure inspiration, do not put off a prompting, you just might be His hands sending a message of love and hope on a really hard day.

THE FIRST FEW DAYS OR WEEKS:

• It's ok to NOT be ok. It's ok to be "unavailabe" and not follow through with everything you had planned. It's ok to cancel plans, to breath, to let go of things that don't HAVE to be done right then. And it's ok to not give any explanation. 
• You're life has just changed drastically, it's ok to grieve. It's ok to cry, scream, yell, be angry and depressed. You need to feel all of these emotions and let them process to be able to move forward. You need to be able to fall apart, as many times as you need to.
• BE POSITIVE, but don't make any promises.
• Talk about it if you want to, don't talk about it if you don't want to....ANYTHING is ok during this time.
• If you can, reach out to someone who understands what you are going through. They might not be in the exact same situation, but we all have a friend or family member who we know has been through hard times. Reach out for encouragement, love and understanding. {remember I am ALWAYS available to reach out to!!}
• Pray, PRAY, and PRAY some more - For strength, and peace. 
• Call your loved one's name into the temple, and ask your friends and family to do the same!
• You will feel completely helpless, and you will want to DO something. Find something you can focus on that might be helpful: Some ideas include:
• Set up a fundraiser - we had several lemonade stand sales, a Go Fund Me page and a bank account set up in her name
• Find out the color for their type of cancer and share it with those around you - Teal will never be the same for our family and friends. 
• If you want one, decide on a name for your friends fight - We formed Team Cindy within the first few hours of her diagnosis. It helped us feel united and receive strength from those who shared our story by using our "Team" name.
• Have someone design a logo or graphic that you can use to unite your family and friends and share online as a reminder of those who are fighting with you - I designed my mom's and I'm always willing to help design something for you!
• Design and make shirts to sell - we had Team Cindy shirts made by a friend who donated the cost of the printing so we could make a bigger profit on the ones we sold, we wore them every chance we could, but we had several really hard days when we asked everyone to wear them with us, it gave us strength to see others honoring our mother.
• Order bracelets to unite your family as you fight together - we ordered ours online and you have to purchase a large quantity to get the best price, sell them at every fundraiser you plan. We ordered adult and child sizes and most small/medium adults can wear the child size. {I prefer the child size}.
• Come up with a family motto to use while your going through this trial -  ours was Doubt Not, Fear Not - Taken from D&C 6:36
• Organize a way to get information out to those who will want updates - We made a Team Cindy group page on Facebook so we could post updates to everyone who wanted them. There was a list of people who did not have Facebook, so one of my friends would copy the Facebook post and email it to those who didn't have FaceBook. I didn't have to worry about anyone getting updates, and I only had to post it once on FaceBook. 
• If possible, come up with one main contact person who can share information - This was most important when things were changing several times a day and we received a million texts asking for updates. It was so hard to navigate sharing information with everyone who loves and cares for each one of us. Most updates were posted on Team Cindy by me, I would write them with my family and we would decide what we needed to share.
• Only share as much as you are comfortable sharing with those around you. Everyone does NOT need to know everything that is going on. We are pretty much an open book and we shared our entire story, but I recognize that not everyone is comfortable with sharing as much as we did, and you DON'T have to!!
• Unite together in fasting and prayer. Ask your family and friends to fast and pray for your family and your loved one - I personally received so much strength and courage through the prayers and faith of those around me during those hard 4 months. I felt a strength that I've never felt before, and haven't felt as much since, through the united fasting and prayers on behalf of our family.
• Send a card, text, letter, or message to your loved one, AND their family members. There are 7 children in our family, some of our wards and friends were our biggest supporters, and they didn't even know my mom. We received meals, letters, messages, stamps {very helpful to send thank you cards}, money, treats, flowers, and LOTS of love!! Reach out to extended family members as they will all be struggling in different ways.
• BREATHE and take ONE THING AT A TIME, remember this is a time with a LOT of uncertainty - this was one of the hardest times of my life and I needed to stop and breathe so many time, I needed to let myself feel all of the emotions I was feeling during that time, I needed time to process this new normal in my life. 

DURING TREATMENT - every situation is very different!

• In our situation Mom was already so sick before we started treatment. She never really got out of bed or went anywhere once she was diagnosed. I know this is not always the case, so remember this is from my experience. 
• You will have good days, and bad days - cherish the good days and breathe through the bad days. Hang on and make sure to take some time for yourself. Get a pedicure {in the cancer color if you want}, pray, meditate, read a good article, find an inspirational post to brighten your day, reach out to a friend. 
• Be aware of your loved ones desire for visitors - CAN they even have visitors? Do they WANT visitors? How do they feel about hospital visitors versus home visitors. It is PERFECTLY OK to turn visitors away if your loved one in not feeling up to it or is having a hard day. 
• Be very AWARE of germs. Most of the time when your loved one is having cancer treatments, their immune system is very weak. Usually it is better to keep small children, who carry lots of germs, and unhealthy friends away. 
• Make everyone wash their hands and use hand sanitizer when they come to visit. Do NOT worry what they think when you ask them. This is to protect your loved one from what could be life threatening germs.
• Drop off a gift at the front door and don't visit - it was very overwhelming and tiring for mom to have visitors, but she never wanted to turn anyone away so she would always let them visit.
• Find things that help your loved one during treatment, each person is different and will want different things. Some of the things that helped mom were:
• Hard candy, usually mint
• Ice chips
• ANYTHING she was craving that we could get her to eat!! {she didn't eat at all!}
• TV shows - she watched "Michael & Kelly" and "Family Fued" everyday!!
• A friend came and read to her and shared stories with her.
• Another friend came and sang to her.
• Mom loved us to massage her hands and feet and rub lotion on them.
• Paint their nails, or do their hair. 
• Find comfortable clothes for them to wear. Mom was so uncomfortable all the time that we went and bought her nightgowns and casual dresses to wear so she didn't have to put on pants and get "dressed" everyday.
• Sit with them in their grief, be with them in their pain, cry with them through the uncertainty. 
• Say ANYTHING to them that you feel you need to, cherish every moment you have with them. Do NOT have any regrets - This is one of my greatest blessings, I am so grateful I was able to share my heart with my mom before she passed away. I knew that I had told her everything I needed to and I knew that she loved me.
• Spend as much time with them as you can - I was so blessed to be able to spend so much time with my mom when she was sick. I consider it one of the greatest tender mercies of this journey.

WHEN EVERYTHING CHANGED:

When we first found out that mom wasn't going to make it and that we would be bringing her home on hospice to live her final days on earth, we were all devastated. Up until just the week before, we thought she was doing ok. We thought she was just sick from the treatments and that once we could get through them, she would get better. We knew she had cancer. We knew from the minute she was diagnosed that this could be our outcome, but we had been fighting SO HARD to get her better and we were not prepared for it to end so suddenly.

So, what can you do? What is helpful during this time?

• Be aware and considerate of the families time with their loved one. Mom had so many visitors that we finally had to ask them to stop coming so we could spend some time with her. We loved that so many people wanted to say good-bye to her, but I remember one night she said to me, "I can't do this anymore, please tell them to stop coming, it's like I am alive at my own funeral and I can't do it anymore."
• Pray for peace and comfort for their family. 
• Put their names on the prayer roll in the temple.
• Send texts and messages of love, but don't be upset if they don't respond. 
• Drop food or treats off at their house if you are able. This is to support the caregivers who do not want to leave their loved ones side. - We did not leave the house unless we absolutely had to for the entire week mom was home on hospice. Nobody wanted to miss anything and we had no way of knowing when things would change.
• Offer to watch small children.
• Organize meals to be brought in to the family. Nobody wanted to think about eating during this time and none of us would have if we hadn't had them delivered each night. We all needed to eat and stay healthy during this time, but even thinking about what to eat was too hard.
• Send flowers, cards or gifts to the family members who are taking care of their loved one. We appreciated every time we received love and support from our friends.

PREPARING FOR THE FUNERAL:

This is something you never want to have to do. Those first few days, I couldn't believe we were planning my mom's funeral. We were lucky enough that we were able to ask her what she wanted for her funeral and she made most of the plans before she passed away. The following are some ideas of things that might be helpful as you prepare for a funeral.

• Offer to watch any small children during the viewing and the funeral. None of the family should have to leave the funeral with an upset child. I would have NEVER though about this before my mom's {or my sister-in-laws} funeral. 
• Suggest they find someone to take photos or hire a photographer. I know this sounds a little strange, but you will cherish those photos in the future. 
• Suggest they wear the cancer color to the funeral. This was SO uniting for our family. I love the photos we have in our teal clothes. It reminds me of the love everyone has for my mamma.
• Make arrangements to have dinner/sandwiches/food during the night of the viewing. Most of the day is spent getting ready and making funeral preparations and some of the family may have not eaten all day.
• Assign a ward member or friend to clean up the display items and take them to your house. - I totally forgot about cleaning up the display after we had been to the cemetery and went to the family dinner. I was totally completely exhausted and I was so tired with I got the text that I needed to come clean it up and bring it all home because there was a wedding at that church building that same evening. 
• Some thoughts for the immediate family:
• Everyone will be exhausted after the viewing. You will probably plan a short viewing before the funeral the next morning so try not to plan the funeral to start too early - I know you might not have any control over this, but you might suggest it if you are able to.
• Suggest the pallbearers all wear matching ties. I know this sounds a little silly, but once again they will all feel united and every time they wear their tie after the funeral they will think if their loved one. 
• Let the children have as little or as much contact with the casket as they want, let them lead. We had children who had no problem and wanted to see her and kiss her and be right in the middle of everything. We had others who wanted nothing to do with it. It's ok either way and they need to grieve in their own way.
• As a family, take as much time as you need to say goodbye on the day of the viewing and the funeral. This is your time. This is your family celebration. Let everyone have a chance to say good-bye. This is one of my favorite photos, united as siblings with dad in a circle of love, just before we closed the casket.

I wish I didn't have to write this post and I wish that you weren't reading it because you know someone who has cancer. I wish we lived in a world without cancer. I wish my mom had lived and that she was still here with me today. BUT, I am a different person because of this trial our family has been asked to endure. I am aware of so many things that I would never have known before. I am more compassionate, more empathetic, more loving and more forgiving. I am closer to my family than I have ever been. We are a united team. We don't have to agree with everything each person is doing, we know that at the end of the day, we would do ANYTHING we needed to for one another.

I hope you find something helpful in this post. I hope you feel hope and peace. I am more than willing to answer any questions you might have or give you any other specifics you want. I am also willing to pray for you, for your loved one and for your family.

IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN || TWO YEARS LATER

If you had told me 2 years ago that I would be where I am today I would NEVER have believed you. Two years ago we were sitting by my mom's side knowing that any day, any moment could be her last, watching her slip away from us, knowing that there was nothing we could do to keep her here and that we had precious little time left with her. Two years ago I was heart-broken and I didn't believe that I was ever going to be able to move forward without my mom. Two years ago my marriage was falling apart, but I was so heartbroken over losing my mother, that I couldn't do anything about it. Two years ago, I was broken. I was afraid and alone. Two years ago, my life was shattered in pieces and I had no idea how to put it back together.

The last two years have not been easy. There have been many, many tears. There has been anger and pain. There has been laughter and joy. There has been heartbreak and heartache. There has been hope and healing.

And today?

Today I am not only living, I am living my best life, I am happy and I find joy in everyday. I have found a passion and a purpose. I have found ME. I'm not sure I can explain how much this means to me and how much it has changed my life and my view of those around me. I'm not sure I can explain my why, the reason why I believe photos are SO important and why I pour my heart and soul into every session. 

Six months ago I decided that I needed something in my life that brought me joy. I wanted something more. I needed to do something different. The last year and a half had been brutal and I needed something that made me feel like I was giving back, something that made me smile. If you have known me very long, you know that I am passionate about photos, documenting and story telling. I have bookcases full of scrapbooks from the last 20 years of my life. I have pictures of EVERYTHING. Just ask Tanner! 

I decided to put all of my faith in myself, and stop being afraid to fail and I invested in photography classes from Amy & Jordan Demos. I watched every lesson and I did EVERYTHING they told me to do, I learned how to shoot, and edit, I learned how to pose, I learned how to run a business and how to be successful. Then, I practiced and I prayed. Oh, how I prayed. I prayed that I would be good enough, that I would have someone who would want me to take their pictures. I prayed that I would be able to JUST cover the costs of the classes with new clients. I prayed again that I wouldn't fail. 

Today I've updated my BLOG, my WEBSITE and my FACEBOOK with a new logo, a new design and ALL new pictures that I've taken in the last 6 months. Not only did I cover all of the cost of the classes, but I've more than tripled the amount the classes cost.  I was able to take Tanner to see Les Miserables, I was able to go home to Utah, I was able to pay off some debt. I am SO DANG PROUD of where I am today!!!! I am SO DANG PROUD of the work that I am producing now. I am confident that I AM good enough. I am confident that I know what to do to get the kind of images I want to get, EVERY TIME!!

In addition to the classes, I have gained an entire community of photographers around the world who cheer for each other. Who help each other, who answer questions and give guidance. I have made so many new friends and have received so much love and guidance from this whole new community. I didn't expect this when I signed up for some online photography classes. {they are SO MUCH MORE than just classes!!}

I didn't expect this to change my life so much. I didn't expect to find so much Joy and feel so fulfilled. 

This was taken by my new AJ Friend Emily Broadbent

I sit here tonight with tears streaming down my face in gratitude to a loving Father in Heaven who NEVER gives up on me even when I don't have enough faith in myself. He directs my life every day. I KNOW that He guided and directed me to those classes. I know that it was exactly what I needed RIGHT NOW in my life. I know that he is aware of me and my needs. I know that he provides for me and that he will NEVER leave me to figure it out on my own. I know that I can trust Him, because he is the same today, yesterday and forever. 

I can't help but think that my angel mamma is up in heaven CHEERING with me tonight. I feel her with me often, but tonight I wish I could call her and hear her tell me that she knew I could do it, that she always believed in me. I wish I could show her how far I've come. {I'm sure she already knows}. I feel her guidance. I feel her love. I know that she is watching over me always, but I am so grateful that I have felt her so close as I have taken this huge step in my life. 

I love you mamma. I miss you every minute of every day. I don't know how I've lived 2 whole years without you, but I have. I've made it and even though I can't see you, I can feel you in my life and I know that you are so proud of all the hard work I've been doing to learn and to grow. 

I love you more!!

IF YOU GOT THIS FAR: In my mamma's honor, I'm giving away a FAMILY PHOTO SESSION {$295} VALUE, go to my Pinned Post HERE to find out all the details!!

You can't make this stuff up.....

And just hours after the funeral was over, we got a phone call from the Dominican Republic that Skylar McDonald is having hernia surgery at 8am tomorrow morning. (Nope, I am not kidding). 

I could not sleep that night. I was so anxious for him. I posted this on Facebook: 

"My heart is constantly heavy. I've been up thinking and praying for this amazing brother of mine who should be having surgery right now in the Dominican Republic. Because God is aware, and we are never alone, it is no coincidence that my dad's neighbors are serving right now as medical missionaries over the entire Caribbean islands and they will be with him this morning. You know that if we could, every one of us would be there with him.I'm grateful to know that his mom is watching over him, but dang it, he shouldn't have to be having surgery in a foreign place without his family surrounding him to help him through it. I have no doubt his mission mom and the Olsen's will take good care of him. God is aware of us, and he won't leave us to do this alone."

I got up early and went up to the cemetery and laid on my mamma's headstone and sobbed and cried for 2 hours. I missed her so much. I was hurting and in pain and I didn't know how much more stress and heartbreak I could handle. My heart was breaking for my brother, for his 4 kids. For Brett and Heather and the loss of their baby, for Skylar alone in the DR, for my dad who had to deal with so much stress and heartache, for my sister who is struggling with her ridiculous ex. For my own son who is struggling with his father and his faith. For my own loneliness and pain of being divorced and my marriage not working out. For all the trials and sorrows we've been through in the last 2 years. My heart was overflowing and I just couldn't stop the tears. I didn't even try. I just sobbed and cried. 

I know my mamma was with me. I know she was holding me. I know that she is close. I know that God is aware of me, of our family, or our struggles, of our faith. I know that he does not give us more than we can handle WITH HIM and HIS SON. I know that I have grown and been strengthened in the last two years in ways that I would have never been strengthened without these trials. I know that God loves me and that he has a plan for me. I KNOW that I will see my mamma again. I know that the Plan of Salvation is real and that we will be Together Forever as a family. 

But right now, this earth life feels REALLY, really hard!! 

ONE YEAR

Somehow I made it one year! Somehow 365 days have come and gone since my mamma died and her spirit left this earth. And somehow, I'm doing ok. I am healing, I have found peace, joy and happiness again. I still have bad days, I still cry, I still get angry, but I am moving forward.

Monday morning I woke up at exactly 6am my time, which would have been 5am Utah time, the exact time that mamma died one year ago. When I woke up, I was instantly sad, I felt depressed, upset, and missed mamma so much. There was a part of me that wanted to just roll over and cry. I wanted to stay in my bed and feel sad and miss her and feel all of the grief that I felt a year ago. And then, I remembered that I had a plan to CELEBRATE my mom! I had worked really hard and felt very inspired to plan an entire day of service and love to celebrate my mamma. So, I got up. I got ready and I put a smile on my face. I was just barely ready when I got a text from a friend asking me if she could drop off something at 7am. Uhm, Yes!! My sweet friends brought me flowers, some homeless kits {part of the service project} and some treats for me! It made my day. I knew that it was going to be a good day. I got my Diet Dr. Pepper and left to get started on my day of service!!

I dropped Tanner off at school, and then I took some donuts to the Fire Department, and picked up drinks and muffins for my co-workers. While I was in line at McDonald's I paid for the lady behind me and then made a donation to the Ronald McDonald House. 

 I worked for a few hours and then I left early and picked up Tanner at school. I had to go to the chiropractor, so I took them donuts too. Then we went to Sonic and got drinks in mom's honor. Tanner said she would want us to go and get drinks for her! My Dirty Diet Dr. Pepper was SO good!! After Sonic, we went to Portillos and I got a chopped salad and thought of mom the whole time! While we were there the music playing on the speakers would have been something that mom would have loved. {she really did love music, must be where Tanner and I get it from!}

When we were leaving Portillos, there was a homeless man on the corner and I was so grateful I had 2 homeless kits in my car and I could give him one. After dinner we went and delivered some gifts. One thing I remember about mamma is that she has little gifts always ready. She has several cabinets full of little gift ideas. Lotions, necklaces, books, cards, anything she can find and she would always have something to take to a friend, someone who was sick, someone who was having a hard time! She was always giving someone a little gift to brighten their day. She would always send me 10+ Christmas gifts all wrapped individually. Candy, scissors, pocket knives for Tanner, just little things that I miss about her not being here.

After we delivered the gifts Tanner had to go do homework, so I took some flowers over to my boss and his wife and I made a donation to the Chicago food bank. 

I then came home and was able to Facetime with my family while they went to the cemetery. We each told some stories or memories about mamma, then the kids wrote messages on teal balloons for mamma. I told them to write this one mine. "Love you more, Love, Your Favorite!" After they released the balloons we tried to sing, "We Will be Together Forever Someday", mostly we cried, and then dad gave a family prayer. It was a very special, sacred experience and I could definitely feel her there. 

After I talked to my family, I went over to Jessica's for some meditation under the super moon! It was so big and so beautiful tonight.

I felt mamma with me all day. I felt like she was right with me with every act of service I performed. I felt her love, I felt her spirit with me. I felt her smiling on me and telling me that she was proud of me. I loved the meditation tonight and I knew that mamma was with me the whole time. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of life after death. I am grateful that I feel my mamma so much. I am grateful for her love and for her example to me. 

I did it!! One year with her! One whole year, 365 days {actually 366, it was leap year}. I LOVE you mamma, I miss you every minute of every day, but I am doing better than I have been in a very long time! 

What is JOY? How do I find it?

Several years ago I was really struggling with JOY. I felt like it was one of those things I was never going to truly feel. I felt like it was what you got after you had figured everything out, after all of your trials went away, after you didn't have to suffer and struggle every day. I felt like I was never HAPPY and like JOY was something I was never going to find.

Then my life fell apart. All in the span of 2 years.

My son was diagnosed with severe depression and left the church. My mom was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. My husband lost his job. My mom passed away. My husband told me he wanted a divorce. My son wanted to live with him. I live alone. Without my mom to talk to. Without my son to take care of all the time. Without a spouse to love and support me. With only my Savior to guide my way.

AND, for the first time in my life. I have found JOY! Real. Authentic JOY!!!

How? How is that possible?

Because I have found comfort and rest in the arms of my Savior.

That doesn't mean that I am HAPPY all the time! It doesn't mean that I don't get depressed, sad, lonely and discouraged. It does mean that I know where my JOY comes from and that I know that as long as I am following God's plan for me and living his commandments, he is bound....and I will be blessed. He knows me, I am his daughter and I am wrapped in his arms of safety and peace.

I had to speak in Sacrament Meeting {see mormon.org for more information} a few weeks ago and it was such a cathartic experience. It was healing and empowering. I have uploaded a PDF version HERE if you want to read it. {It's a little on the long side} ;)

Elder Nelson says, “Saints can be happy under every circumstance. We can feel joy even while having a bad day, a bad week, or even a bad year! My dear brothers and sisters, the joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives.”

Oh how this JOY has changed my life!!

NOCC 5K at Arlington Park

Today I ran a 5K for the National Ovarian Cancer Coalition and it was AMAZING, and HOT and HARD and EMOTIONAL, and I would do it all again in a minute!!!! Thank you Jason for going with me. #teamcindy #doubtnotfearnot #iloveyoumamma

The first problem was that the race didn't start until 10:15am and it was already TOO hot by that time {the high for today was 90}. Then we ran on the asphalt in the parking lot and it was in full sun almost the entire time, we didn't have shade and they only had one water station at about 1.5 miles. It was a recipe for disaster for me.....BUT I didn't let myself fall apart this time. I had Jason take some pictures of me at the start line. I love you mamma, I am ready to do this for you!!

We started running and almost immediately I felt the emotions coming on, I was almost in tears and I knew that I couldn't run the race while I was crying. I knew mamma was running with me but I knew I had to hold it together, from the very beginning I could tell that I was running the fastest time I had ever run. I got to the 1 mile mark and my time was 10:54, which is WAY too fast for me. I tried to slow down a little and relax, I wasn't sure I could keep it together for 2.2 more miles if I gave it everything the first mile. There were several more times that I felt very emotional, and could barely keep it together. I knew that mamma was with me, I knew that she was holding me up and running along side me.

I got to mile 2.5 and I was about DONE, I could barely keep putting one foot in front of the other, I slowed down a little and thought about walking, but I was NOT walking with only three quarters of a mile left. I kept running and I kept running. I begged mamma to carry me, to hold me up and to push me to the end, and she did. She was with me. I know it!

I crossed the finish line at 36:16 - an average of 11:20 miles, the fastest I have EVER run!!

And I really was this excited! I was so glad I was DONE, and I knew I had run the race of my life. I knew that I had beat my previous times and I knew that mamma was so proud....but I was DONE, physically and emotionally. I immediately got a bottle of water and poured it over my head, I was WAY too hot and I knew I needed to get cooled down or I was going to be sick. I walked around a little and tried to get cool, but I couldn't cool off. Jason finally took me over to the grass to lay down and stretch and try to cool off some. I immediately started sobbing. I was so overcome with emotion, I could feel mamma with me, I knew she was there, but I missed her so much. A year ago I didn't even know what ovarian cancer was, a year ago I had no idea teal was the color of ovarian cancer, a year ago I didn't know how much my life was going to change. I sobbed for everything I've lost, for everything I've learned, for my angel mamma and for all those who have been touched by ovarian cancer.

I finally got up and tried to leave. I was dizzy, light-headed and way too hot. I was trying to leave, but I just couldn't. We found another shady spot and I sat down again to try to cool down. I finally felt like I was able to leave. I was still way too hot, but I was also done. Emotionally, physically, mentally. Done!

We left and Jason bought me lunch and we ran a few errands and then came home and worked on packing and cleaning a little....but even as I write this, I am still way too hot!! {But I would still do it all again!}

I got these cool teal laces for raising over $300

I love you mamma!! I miss you every minute of everyday, but I am finally moving forward. I am finding happiness. I am making changes and choosing me. I am trying to make you proud, and I know that you are! I love you more!

Easter #hallelujah

He is not here, He is risen!

“Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.
“But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.
"No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come.”-Joseph B Wirthlin

It's Sunday! Happy Easter!

Easter has taken on a whole new meaning this year. The life, atonement and death of the Savior have so much more purpose and give me so much hope. HE LIVES! He rose on the third day. He is alive. And because he lives. I will live again and so will my mamma. Not only that, but she will be perfect. Not sick, and bald and withered away like she was when she died, but perfect and whole and beautiful, just like I remember her. This is the good news of the gospel.  This is what Easter is all about. This is what makes Christmas important. This is why we are here. To share it. To live it. To give it to others. He Is Risen!!

What has impacted your year? And how did it change you?

I saw this on a friends post, she only did 9 photos, 

but I couldn't narrow it down to 9, so here are my top 16....

What has impacted your year? And how did it change you?

• My sweet boy turned made the Madrigal Choir at school and turned 16 years old and started drivers ed. 
• I ran 10 miles again at the Soldier Field 10 Miler and did way better than I ever thought possible. 
• Jason and I made an effort to attend the temple more often. 
• My whole world changed on July 10th when my mom was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. 
• We had family pictures taken. 
• I spent most of the year with my mom, taking care of her. 
• My littlest brother went to serve a mission in the Dominican Republic. 
• My mom continued to get sicker and sicker and nothing we were doing was helping. 
• We brought mom home on hospice care for her final days on the earth. 
• My boys were able to come to Utah to say good-bye to her thanks to the tender mercies of our Heavenly Father. 
• We were able to fulfill her final dying wish and have Michael McLean come to our house and sing to her. 
• We rallied together as Team Cindy. 
• My boys were able to come back to Utah for mom's funeral. We had a celebration like I've never seen before because of the generosity of others and the tender mercies of our Heavenly Father.
• I buried my mom's physical body, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. 
• I got to see my two best friends from high school and the miracles that have taken place in their lives. 
• I learned first hand that God places people in our lives for very specific reasons. 
• I was given the greatest gift of all, this statue represents the unconditional love of my mother and her simple testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

 The most important part is how it has changed me:

• I know that it's ok that I only have one child because he needs me to be there for him and he will be gone from my influence before I know it. I will be more present in his life and listen to him tell me about his friends and his interests. 
• I know that I can do physically hard things and push my body harder than I ever thought possible. I will never quit. 
• I know that obedience brings blessings, I had no idea at the beginning of the year how much I would need to peace of the temple this year. I'm so grateful that we made an effort to go more often. I know going to the temple brings a peace that can be found nowhere else on the earth. I will go even more often. 
• I know that God is in control and that we don't get to pick the trials that we are asked to bear. Cancer Sucks. I know that we do not have any idea what someone is going through and how hard it really is until we have gone through it or watched someone firsthand go through it. I will be more compassionate and have more empathy for those around me. I will give more and listen to the promptings I receive to reach out to those around me. 
• There is nobody else in the world like your mother. I can not replace her and I can't bring her back, but I will live each day to make her proud of me. I will reach out to those around me, I will share the gospel through my example. 
• I will listen to the promptings of the Holy Ghost. I know that I was prompted to go to Utah to take these family pictures before Skylar left and I would have regretted it everyday for the rest of my life it I had not listened. I will always listen. 
• I watched my littlest brother, who is only 18, make the hardest decision of his life and leave his mother to serve the Lord as a full time missionary. He knew that there was a chance he would never see her again on this earth and he had enough faith and courage to answer the call to serve. I will be more obedient, have more faith and courage to do the things that the Lord asks me to do. I will always remember his example to me.
• There is always a reason for why things don't work out the way we want them to. I know it wasn't because of a lack of faith on our part that she was taken from us. I think it takes even more faith to not be healed. I have reached deep within my soul and know without any doubt that the plan of salvation is real and that we will be together forever someday. My testimony of the plan of salvation has been strengthened. I will share it with others.
• We were blessed to have been given so much time to spend together these past 6 months. I will always remember the tender mercies that Heavenly Father provided that allowed me to be able to be in Utah, Jason to be able to take care of things here at home and my family to be able to rally together. He truly is a God of miracles. He provides angels among us who bless us temporally and spiritually. I will pay it forward. I will do what I can to help those in need.
• I know that God answers prayers even for the smallest, maybe even silliest things because he is in the details of our lives. I know that he put the right people in our lives to be able to contact Michael McLean and I know that Michael was guided and inspired to come fulfill mom's last wish. I will pray and ask Heavenly Father for the desires of my heart and trust that he will grant them, if it be HIS will. 
• I know that my family is united. I know that no matter what our trials or hardships, we will be there for each other. I know that we don't always get along, but it's ok. We know that we love each other and when hard times come, we will be there for each other, NO MATTER WHAT! I will cherish that always. Team Cindy Forever!
• Once again, God provided tender mercies for so many people to be at the funeral and celebrate the life of my sweet mother. We were given so many blessings that in the details of her celebration because our Heavenly Father knew they were important to us. I will trust that He has a plan, that he knows the way and that He will bless us with all that our hearts desire if we will come to Him. I also know that doesn't mean we will always get everything we want, I wanted mom to be cured, but that was not meant to be. I will still trust Him and His plan.
• I know that God carried me during the days of mom's funeral and burial. I know that I couldn't have done it without Him. I will put my faith in Him and trust that He will be there for me during the hardest times of my life.
• I know that God gave me my friends {all of them} for very specific reasons. I know that all of them have been placed in my life to help me. I am grateful that we have so many relationships on this earth that will also transcend death and that we will be able to be with those we love, who are not "family" on the other side of the veil. 
• When this sweet nurse ran up to me and hugged me that day at the hospital, I knew that she just "got it". I knew that somehow she knew. And then she told me that her mother had died from Ovarian Cancer 5 years ago, and I knew that God had given her to us at this very specific time because she really did "get it". She knew, and because of that I knew that God knew. I knew that He knew me and he knew mom. She loved her nurses and they were all such a tender mercy for her during her time of greatest need. I will always be grateful for the amazing strength and love they had for my mother.

Most importantly, I was changed this year by my sweet angel mother and her simple, yet profound testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. She simply lived it. She didn't shout it from the rooftops, she didn't scold us too much when we were dis-obedient, she didn't withdraw her love from us when we disappointed her. {and we all did!} She didn't preach to us or force us. She simply lived it, every minute of every day. She loved unconditionally. She accepted us no matter what. YES, we disappointed her. YES, we disobeyed. YES, we made mistakes and made her upset. But it never changed the way she loved us.

The most important lesson I learned this year is that none of us have any idea how long we will be on this earth. None of us know when our time will come. None of us can plan on changing later because we might not have time. When we are disobedient and don't follow our Heavenly Father, we are the ones who miss out on the blessings and the happiness we could have had. He loves us no matter what. He will forgive us no matter what. We are the ones who suffer because of our poor choices. I know that mom knew this without any doubt.

Because of her, I will LOVE more, I will accept more, I will judge less, I will force less. I will simply live the Gospel and one day hope to be half as amazing and wonderful as she is! I love you mamma. I miss you every single minute of every day. I wish you were here so that I could tell you how much you mean to me. I know that you already know, but I want to tell you and hear your voice again. I want you to tell me that you "love me more", I want you to hold my hand and tell me that it's all going to be ok. I want you to share your sweet testimony with me one more time. I want you to call me and I want to be able to hug you one more time.

But then again, one more time would never be enough. I miss you like crazy! I love you more!!

The Greatest Gift

I can't even begin to explain the impact that mamma's last gift has had on me this year. I made a couple shelves on by bookcase and they are helping me get through each day without her.

Every time I look at these shelves, every time I see this statue of Christ I think of my sweet mamma. I think of her testimony. I think of her love. I think of all the people she served. I think of how Christlike she truly was. I cherish this gift more than anything I've ever received. I know mamma was inspired this year to get this statue for us. I know that she knew that we would need it. I know that it is a tender mercy for me.

I know that God is aware. I know that He will not leave us comfortless. I know that my Savior is walking with me and that he carries me on the hardest days.

Thank you mamma! Thank you for the Greatest Gift, your example! I love you more!!

Coming Home

And then it was time to come home. I literally felt like my heart was being torn in two. I wasn't sure how I was going to move forward and how I was going to leave my dad, whose heart is broken and whose entire life has been turned upside down and nothing will ever be the same again. But I knew that I had to come home.

I wanted to go back to the cemetery and say good-bye one more time. I've never thought I would like the cemetery. I always thought it was kind of strange to visit a persons body in the ground, but I was comforted every time I went there and I felt her spirit there.  I will miss you mamma. I will think about you every minute of every day and I will work as hard as I can to make you proud.

And then some more hard goodbyes. {I'm really, really getting tired of them!!}

And then, once again it was time to get on the airplane and go home.

I can't even begin to put into words how I feel. My heart is broken. My life is altered. My emotions are all over the place. I'm sad. I'm angry, I'm not sure how to move forward. I'm not sure how to live again. I'm numb. I'm afraid. I'm hurt and I miss my mom. All I want is my mom. All the time.

We loaded up all our stuff. We drove to the airport. We went through security. We walked to our gate and that is when I started to lose it. I heard "Fight Song" on the loud speaker. I saw an owl in the gift shop. I saw the Dr. Pepper in the vending machine. Everything reminded me of her. I  just couldn't imagine life without her. I just couldn't imagine how I was going to go on. How I was going to live the rest of my life without my mamma. I burst into tears and couldn't get them to stop. {I'm pretty sure the people around me thought I was really losing it!}

This summer taught me more about love and living than anything else I've ever been through. The experience that I shared with my family will forever be a cherished and sacred time. I consider it one of the greatest tender mercies from our loving Heavenly Father. It was hard. It was painful. It was horrible to watch. It taught me empathy. It taught me compassion. It taught me about love and eternity.

And then I walked over to the window and I saw way out in the distance the majestic Salt Lake Temple. And for just a minute, for one brief moment in time, it was all okay. It felt peace and comfort. I felt the Savior wrap me in His arms. I felt mamma with me. Because in that instant, I knew that I already had the answers that I needed.

I KNOW that we WILL be Together Forever Someday. I KNOW that we have made sacred covenants in the holy temple and that we can be with our loved ones in the eternities. I KNOW that this is God's plan. I've never questioned why it happened. I've never wondered why us. I know it was our families plan. I know that she had completed her mission her on earth and that she was "transferred" to the other side of the veil to continue working and serving. I KNOW that she is with me. I know that she helps me and comforts me. I know that I am going to be okay, one day. I know that God is aware of me. I know that trials are part of this mortal experience. I know that they help us grow. I know they shape us and help us to be like our Father in Heaven.

I don't know HOW I'm going to do it. I'm just going to try with one step at a time and hope that I have the answers when I need them.

12 Days - Our blanket Project

We decided the last week of mom's life that we were ready to tell everyone that we have been doing a Christmas Project for over 30 years and that we were not going to be able to do it again this year. We asked for your help and were blessed to be able to complete this project just days after the funeral. We shared the following at the funeral:

We have a family tradition that we have continued for over 30 years. We have delivered the 12 days of Christmas to a hand picked family on each of the 12 days before Christmas, ending on Christmas Eve. This year, because we had spent so much time at Primary Children’s Hospital, we decided to forgo this tradition of the 12 days of Christmas and made 12 baby quilts and donated them to the hospital. This was the only year that we did not do the 12 days of Christmas. Mom loved Christmas stories and treats. We would plan specific stories, games and gifts for each night of the 12 days of Christmas. We always took “The Last Straw” story with a manger and straw. On the final night, we would deliver a baby Jesus for the manger, gifts for family, a picture of the Savior and a Christmas meal. Some of our favorite memories are trying to get away without being caught. We had to hide a few times in bushes while they were trying to discover who these secret messengers were. We had family planning meetings to strategically plan the best delivery routes and times to hopefully throw the families off our trail. We have continued this tradition and love planning who we are going to serve, one year we decided to do a family that had a missionary in the MTC so mom decided we needed to do the 12 days for her also, and one year we even did two families because we couldn’t decide which one needed it more. That was a lot of work!!             For the last 10 years, Mom has prepared everything and it’s been up to Dad and Skylar to deliver all the gifts. Dad is pretty sure he can’t continue this tradition, the year Skylar had his knee surgery was evidence that he needs a good runner to deliver all the gifts and keep it a secret. As a family, we have decided that we will dedicate this final 12 days of Christmas to our angel mother, we have made 19 fleece quilts with your help, and we added patches to the corners in memory of her, we will deliver them as a family to the Revere Health Infusion Center where mom received her chemotherapy. We are also printing pillowcases to deliver to the Oncology floor at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center to give to surviving cancer patients. We know that this tradition has changed the way we view Christmas and the birth of our Savior.

We went to Dr. Bott's office and the hospital on Tuesday afternoon. It was such an honor to give something back to those who worked so hard to save mom's life. We know that we didn't get the outcome that we wanted, but we know that the Dr.s did everything they could and it was her time to go. We are so grateful for their love, support and medical expertise in her behalf. 

When we went to the hospital, this sweet nurse came running up to me and gave me a huge hug. Her name is Jen and she was the sweetest, more caring and compassionate nurse. {mom had a TON of great nurses, but I immediately connected and loved Jen}. She told me that she needed to share something with me. She told me that her mom had died 5 years ago from ovarian cancer and that they had fought for 2 years and that she knew exactly what I was going through. It was just another witness from our Heavenly Father that he is aware of me, that he knows, that He put people in our lives at very specific times to help us. I am so grateful for this knowledge, for this blessing and most especially for her love and compassion for me. Thank you Jen!

We have been blessed for so many years by serving. My mama taught us how to serve and how to love. She is the greatest example I could ever have of reaching out to those in need and of helping anyone and everyone. I am a better person because of her. I love you mamma! I miss you every minutes of everyday!

I love you more!!

The viewing and Funeral

Thursday, November 19th was Mom's viewing. That morning all the girls went to the Walker Sanderson Mortuary to dress mom's body. I wasn't sure how I felt about this. I really wanted to do it and I had been told that it was a very spiritual experience, so I really wanted to have the chance to do it, but I was scared because her body looked so bad that day they had come to take it away.  I wasn't sure what she was going to look like and if I was going to be able to dressing her body. I wanted support so I invited all the girls to go with me. I'm so grateful that I had all of their support. When we got to the mortuary he just took us right into the room and said, she's right here. We weren't really prepared, and it was really hard. He left us in the room to have a few minutes to collect ourselves and have a prayer together. When we finally all had a chance to look at her body, we all just thought she looked SO beautiful. It was really an amazing, spiritual experience. The veil was very thin and I know she was there with us. She looked so peaceful and happy. Her physical body was so worn out and tired, but I was so happy that she looked so beautiful. It was such a beautiful and sacred experience. If you ever have the option to do it, I would highly recommend it.

Georgia, Jennifer, Liberty, Amber, Heather and Christie

After we dressed her we painted her nails a beautiful pink color. She really did look amazing. Then we started setting up the displays and getting everything ready for the viewing. It turned out great!! Everything was beautiful, the casket was perfect, the flowers were AMAZING, the displays turned out great, the DVD worked perfect. It was a great night, well except we were at our mother's viewing.

Awe, the casket flowers. Thank you so much to an amazing friend who made the casket flowers. Amber and I both LOVED them, and we're grateful that dad went along with us even when they were a lot more than he wanted to spend. It was important for us to celebrate our mother and this was one way we could show her how much we card.

It was a long night, there was a pretty steady line all night long. We saw lots of people we haven't seen for many years. There were so many people who loved mom and wanted to come and see us. It was exhausting, but we all held it together pretty well and we were even able to keep dad from talking too long and kept the line moving pretty well.

The next morning we all got to the church and got everything set up for the viewing at the church and the funeral. I asked a photographer friend to come and take pictures and I am SO glad that I did. He was so gracious and generous. He didn't charge me and he came for 3 hours and took pictures of the viewing, the casket and the displays at the church.  Here are just a few, I have hundreds more, but I'm going to keep them for our family.

I also have a couple pictures that Robert took that I LOVE!! We had each just told her our last good-bye, we were getting ready to close the casket and we had a moment for a family hug. I am so grateful for pictures to remember these memories, even though they are hard to look at sometimes, I LOVE having them.

As I was putting the veil over her face, my heart was breaking. This was the last time I would ever see her body on earth. It was very hard, but I am so grateful for all the tender moments I had to give these final gifts to my mother's earthly body.

I thought the next part was pure torture. They closed the casket and then they ask the family to follow right behind the casket as they take it into the chapel. It was SO hard. We were all crying and everyone was watching us. It was just heartbreaking to be walking into my mother's funeral. I didn't know how I was going to get through the next part of the program. I was giving the life sketch and was going to try to sing "Together Forever Someday" for mamma. I had Jason give me a blessing the night before and I felt strengthened by my mamma the entire time.

The funeral was LONG. Almost 2 hours. But it was a wonderful tribute. I truly felt mom was there holding me up. I didn't break down once during her life sketch or the singing. I had everyone link arms and we sang "Together Forever" for mamma. I felt like I had done everything she would have ever wanted me to do to honor her. If you want to read the entire life sketch, you can download it HERE.

We were able to have Skylar watch via webcast and then he was able to share his testimony over the phone with us. He continues to amaze me at his strength and testimony of the gospel. Brett read Skylar's testimony that he had previously emailed to us, Ryan and Jeff both spoke and dad bore his testimony. It was an amazing service. Mom would have been so proud of us.

After the service, we went out the side door to the waiting hearse. It was very surreal to be at my own mother's funeral. To be a part of the immediate family and to be so consumed with the funeral and the details and the family that I really didn't even see who was at the service, who came to see mom and who came to the cemetery. I know it was a full house and I know that a lot of people came to see her, but I missed being able to hug them and say hello.

We all loaded in the cars and went to the Orem City Cemetery. It was a cool day, the wind was blowing and it was a little chilly {but nothing compared to my grandpa's funeral, that day was FREEZING!}.

Ryan, Brett, Amber, Dad, Liberty, Jeff and Scott - we love you Sky, but we are so proud of you and your amazing faith!

We had teal balloons for each of the kids and grandkids to write a message to grandma and let them go. We also gave them each flowers to put on the casket. It was so cute watching them. I know most of them are too little to really understand what is happening, but it was so cute to watch their sweet spirits. I'm so glad we took the time to do this tribute. We love you mamma!!!

After the balloon release, there really wasn't anything left to do, but none of us wanted to leave. I went and knelt down by the casket and I completely lost it. I had held it together for so long, and I just couldn't keep it together any longer. I can't even imagine how I am going to move on without my mamma. My heart was broken, my spirit couldn't handle any more. My life was forever changed and I couldn't even begin to think that I could walk away and go home to Chicago without my mamma. I literally fell to the ground and wept, big gulping tears of sorrow. I have never felt such emotional pain in all of my life. There was a moment there that I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get back up off the ground, thankfully my sweet Jason and Tanner came and helped pick me up off the ground. This really was my Friday, my Gethsemane . My heart was shattered. I wasn't sure how I was going to move forward. But, I knew that God needed me to have faith and move forward. I knew that my sweet boy needed me, I knew that my dad needed me. I knew that my siblings needed me. I knew that God would be with me and that I did not have to walk through this trial alone.

I finally picked myself up off the ground. I threw my arms around my boys and wept. I was so overcome with pain and sorrow. I sobbed, and sobbed. I just didn't know how I was ever going to move forward without my sweet mamma. But eventually the sobbing slowed down, eventually my heart was wrapped in love, eventually I was comforted by my Savior and eventually I was able to settle down and move forward for a few minutes. Finally I was able to walk away from the graveside. I knew it would be the last time I would ever see the casket, the next time I came here, her body would be buried in the ground. I don't think I had ever felt this kind of sorrow. I'm so grateful to know that my Savior knew how I was feeling and that He was there for me.