UTAH || SKYLAR IS HOME!!

I'm so grateful I was able to make it work to go home twice this past fall/winter. In October Skylar came home from the Dominican Republic and I couldn't wait to go home and see him and hear his homecoming talk. Tanner was able to go with me and it was a fun - although way too short - trip.

We took a late flight so that I could work all day on Thursday and we didn't get to Utah until almost 11pm. Good thing too, it took Dad and Skylar all day to get ready for us!! :)

He's a pretty good travel companion!! First order of business on Friday morning was a big dirty diet coke {or whatever they call it at Sodalicious!}

Then I had a photo shoot at the Provo City Center Temple, you can see it HERE. We also did some baptism pictures, you can see those HERE. Then we we drove up the canyon to meet my new friend Emily Broadbent to do some updated family pictures. I LOVE how they turned out. Here are a couple of me, I'll share the rest when I share my Christmas cards. The canyon and the mountains were SO beautiful!!! {I really, really miss the mountains!}

After our pictures we ran and got some flowers and went to visit the two cemeteries. It's still surreal that I have to visit the cemetery when I go to Utah now. It still pulls at my heart string and makes me sad, and sometimes angry. It's still raw and open sometimes, but it is getting better, little by little, day by day, it is getting better.

Friday night the weather got crazy and one of my photo shoots had to be re-scheduled. We went and hung out at Brett's house and all sorts of craziness erupted!! It was quite a night of crazy antics, gorillas, moon shoes, and many laughs. {It was just what we all needed}.

Saturday morning I had three more photo shoots, you can see them HERE, HERE and HERE. They were ALL so much fun and I'm so grateful we were able to capture so many fun memories together! It was pretty stormy by Saturday night, so we decided to postpone the last photo shoot until Sunday, you can see it HERE.

Here are some pictures my sister took of me taking pictures this morning, I LOVE behind the scenes photos of me working!

And then we went to Mi Ranchito because you can't go to Utah and NOT go to Mi's. YUMMO!! It was SOOOO crazy, but so fun!!

AND SOOOOO GOOD!!!

Sunday was Skylar's homecoming, the reason why we came to Utah, I made sure Tanner knew that going to church was NOT optional. He was expected to be AT church, on time. And Skylar's talk was SO good. He's grown up so much and he's gained such a strong testimony. I'm so proud of him. But more important than his talk was the fact that ALL SEVEN of us, and all but one of the grandchildren were there together, AT church to support him. I know it was uncomfortable for some of them {my own son included}. I know some of them don't go to church right now and THAT'S OK!!! I have learned so much about agency, about love and about acceptance. It doesn't mean that I like the choice my siblings, or my own son are making, but it does mean that I LOVE THEM ALL UNCONDITIONALLY!!! Choosing to love someone is really a choice we all make. It doesn't matter what they do, or don't do, we can ALWAYS love them and show them that we love them.

I know mamma was there with us. I know she was proud of each one of us for being there to support Skylar. I know that she is cheering us on every day. I know that she loves us each unconditionally.

I am SO, SO grateful for the things I have learned in the last few years. I would not choose these trials, but they have changed me in ways that nothing else could. I am so proud of you Skylar, I can't imagine losing my mom at such a young age, and while I was away in a foreign country serving the Lord. I can't imagine coming home almost two years later and having her not be there any more. I can't imagine how hard the last two years must have been for you, but I also can't imagine the amount of people you have touched, and the testimonies you have helped to grow, because of your faith. I love you bud!! WELCOME HOME!!

After church, we hung out at dad's house, made silly faces and enjoyed being together as a family.

Monday we had to leave to come home. We went to lunch with dad and Skylar and then we went to the airport. It was such a fun weekend and I am SO grateful that we were able to come!

I LOVE this owl that Skylar brought me from the Dominican Republic. It reminds me of mamma, and teal, and owls, and Skylar and everything. Thank you!!

You can't make this stuff up.....

And just hours after the funeral was over, we got a phone call from the Dominican Republic that Skylar McDonald is having hernia surgery at 8am tomorrow morning. (Nope, I am not kidding). 

I could not sleep that night. I was so anxious for him. I posted this on Facebook: 

"My heart is constantly heavy. I've been up thinking and praying for this amazing brother of mine who should be having surgery right now in the Dominican Republic. Because God is aware, and we are never alone, it is no coincidence that my dad's neighbors are serving right now as medical missionaries over the entire Caribbean islands and they will be with him this morning. You know that if we could, every one of us would be there with him.I'm grateful to know that his mom is watching over him, but dang it, he shouldn't have to be having surgery in a foreign place without his family surrounding him to help him through it. I have no doubt his mission mom and the Olsen's will take good care of him. God is aware of us, and he won't leave us to do this alone."

I got up early and went up to the cemetery and laid on my mamma's headstone and sobbed and cried for 2 hours. I missed her so much. I was hurting and in pain and I didn't know how much more stress and heartbreak I could handle. My heart was breaking for my brother, for his 4 kids. For Brett and Heather and the loss of their baby, for Skylar alone in the DR, for my dad who had to deal with so much stress and heartache, for my sister who is struggling with her ridiculous ex. For my own son who is struggling with his father and his faith. For my own loneliness and pain of being divorced and my marriage not working out. For all the trials and sorrows we've been through in the last 2 years. My heart was overflowing and I just couldn't stop the tears. I didn't even try. I just sobbed and cried. 

I know my mamma was with me. I know she was holding me. I know that she is close. I know that God is aware of me, of our family, or our struggles, of our faith. I know that he does not give us more than we can handle WITH HIM and HIS SON. I know that I have grown and been strengthened in the last two years in ways that I would have never been strengthened without these trials. I know that God loves me and that he has a plan for me. I KNOW that I will see my mamma again. I know that the Plan of Salvation is real and that we will be Together Forever as a family. 

But right now, this earth life feels REALLY, really hard!! 

Utah, A Funeral, Family and Trials

I don't know how we made it through the last week. I don't know how it's possible that it's only been a week. It feels like it's been at least 6 months.

Monday, May 29th, dad called to tell us that Jennifer had passed away. We still don't even know exactly what happened, but we find comfort in the plan of salvation and eternal life.

Tuesday afternoon we got a text from Brett and Heather that they had lost their baby at 19 weeks pregnant. They were going to have to wait to do a DandC, but about an hour later her water broke and they headed to the hospital. She pushed one time and the baby was born. Another little boy. They named him Bronson Theodore McDonald. After the delivery, the placenta and afterbirth did not deliver, so she had to have surgery to remove it and she lost a lot of blood so they kept her overnight to make sure she was ok.

I got Brett's text while I was at work on Tuesday and I was SO ANGRY. I burst into tears and started getting so mad, How could God expect so much of our family? How could he ask us to do more? How could he take Jennifer from Ryan and the kids and now Brett and Heather's baby in the same 24 hours? What did he expect from us? Our mom just died 18 months ago? I just got divorced a year ago. What was he thinking? Did he honestly think that we could handle everything He was asking us to do? Why? Seriously? Haven't we been through enough? Isn't one death this week enough for our family? My boss lovingly put his arm around me and said, "let's go home for today" and I left.

I was pretty angry driving home. I called a friend who talked me through it. I pulled into my driveway and I hadn't been sitting there more than a minute when the Elders walked by. Why were they here? I don't see them very often in my neighborhood. I got out of the car and walked toward my house. They were at my front door. They had come for me. I walked up to them and I said "Elders, I know that God sent you here at this exact moment because I need you to give me a blessing." I proceeded to spew out EVERYTHING that's happened in the last 2 years of my life through sobbing tears. (I'm sure they thought I was a crazy lady, and I'm pretty sure I'll be in some mission homecoming talk about listening to promptings or dealing with crazy people).

And then they gave me the most beautiful blessing and I felt such peace and comfort. I KNOW that God sent them to me RIGHT THEN because I needed to know that he knew me. I needed to know that he has not left us alone to deal with all of these HARD trials. I needed to feel his love personally and individually. He is walking with me. He is carrying me. He has provided a way, a Savior for me.
Thank you Elders for listening. Thank you for being obedient. You were God's hands today and you delivered a message of hope, of peace, and of love. Even in the middle of our darkest trials, there are tender mercies all around us. I am so grateful for mine today! #godisaware #helovesus #lifeishard #tendermercies #everythingishard #deathishard #griefishard #lifeisfragile

Friday morning I got up early to head to Utah. I still could not believe that I was going to Utah for another Funeral. It's surreal.

I got to Utah and spent a few minutes with Ryan and his kids before we had to go to the Mortuary. Dang it, look at these cute faces. My heart is breaking for them.

They we met as a family at the mortuary. Ryan and dad decided to go in first so that Ryan could have some time with her. They were gone for a very long time and I'm sure it was so hard for them both. Then the rest of us went in to see her body and to spend some time together. It was a special sacred time. I've learned that this time while funerals are being planned and their body is being prepared is a very sacred and special time. The veil is very thin and angels are close. It is humbling to be a part of.

Ryan decided on a casket that was black and you could write on it with sharpie markers. It was very therapeutic for all of us. It was just what we needed to be able to write messages to her, the kids needed to draw her pictures, they needed to feel a connection. It was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen and I totally want one at my funeral. {so everyone remember!!}

  

Haylee took this picture of me and Kylee. It breaks my heart and gives me chills all at the same time. I pulled sweet Kylee towards me and told her that I KNEW exactly how she felt. I too have stood looking into the casket of my sweet mamma. I know it's one of the hardest things I've ever done and I'm much older than she is....I can't imagine losing my mom at such a young age. But, one of the most important lessons I have learned the last two years is that we are placed in each other's lives for a reason. We have challenges and struggles and trials so that we can help others through theirs, and they can help us through ours. Kylee, your mamma loves you. She will be with you, she will watch over you. She will be there on the most important days of your life. You will feel her. You will see her hand in your life. She will never leave you.This I know, because my mamma is always with me.

After the mortuary, Heather and I took all the older granddaughters to get their nails done. {Thank you Grandpa!} It was so fun to go to mamma's nail place and to spend a few minutes together doing something besides planning for a funeral and thinking of how Ryan is going to move forward.

The next day was the funeral. I got up early to curl all the girls hair and get all of the kids ready. They looked so cute in their new clothes with their flowers in their hair.

Lots of friends and family came to support Ryan and the kids. It was so beautiful to see all of the love poured out on them.  These are the flowers that the siblings sent Ryan and the kids. They are beautiful.

The funeral was beautiful. The service was perfect. The speakers were just right and the music was perfect for Jennifer. It was amazing how it was so different than mom's and yet so perfect for Jen. On the way to the cemetery, the hearse went through the Quick Quack Car Wash. Jennifer worked for them and it was the perfect tribute to her. She would have LOVED it!!! I'm sure she was there watching over us as we cheered and smiled at the love of those she worked for.

When we pulled into the cemetery, the Quick Quack float was sitting out front. Jennifer hadn't seen it yet, but it was a perfect welcome for her when we got to the cemetery. Once again, she would have LOVED it.

This is Matt, the director of Utah Valley Mortuary and he was AMAZING!!!! Very highly recommend them if you ever need their services. Thank you Matt!!

It is so humbling to see my brothers once again standing over a casket. It is hard to understand why we have been asked to do this again. They all have so much strength and are such a support to each other. I love them so much.

The cemetery did a dove release, which was SO cool. They released 33 doves for Jennifer. She would have loved to see it. Then we did a balloon release. Oh Jen, how are you really gone?

Here are some of my favorite pictures from the cemetery. The casket looked so cool with love written all over it.

Oh how much I love you and don't understand why you have to go through this. Hang in there, God has a plan for you and your children. I don't just think this, I KNOW this. I am constantly praying for you and the kids.

The McDonald Family! What a team!! One that I am very grateful to be on.

Love this picture that Erin captured of me. Thanks Erin.

And then we went to the church for dinner and Sodalicious was there was one more reminder of sweet Jennifer! Thank you!!