Coming Home

And then it was time to come home. I literally felt like my heart was being torn in two. I wasn't sure how I was going to move forward and how I was going to leave my dad, whose heart is broken and whose entire life has been turned upside down and nothing will ever be the same again. But I knew that I had to come home.

I wanted to go back to the cemetery and say good-bye one more time. I've never thought I would like the cemetery. I always thought it was kind of strange to visit a persons body in the ground, but I was comforted every time I went there and I felt her spirit there.  I will miss you mamma. I will think about you every minute of every day and I will work as hard as I can to make you proud.

And then some more hard goodbyes. {I'm really, really getting tired of them!!}

And then, once again it was time to get on the airplane and go home.

I can't even begin to put into words how I feel. My heart is broken. My life is altered. My emotions are all over the place. I'm sad. I'm angry, I'm not sure how to move forward. I'm not sure how to live again. I'm numb. I'm afraid. I'm hurt and I miss my mom. All I want is my mom. All the time.

We loaded up all our stuff. We drove to the airport. We went through security. We walked to our gate and that is when I started to lose it. I heard "Fight Song" on the loud speaker. I saw an owl in the gift shop. I saw the Dr. Pepper in the vending machine. Everything reminded me of her. I  just couldn't imagine life without her. I just couldn't imagine how I was going to go on. How I was going to live the rest of my life without my mamma. I burst into tears and couldn't get them to stop. {I'm pretty sure the people around me thought I was really losing it!}

This summer taught me more about love and living than anything else I've ever been through. The experience that I shared with my family will forever be a cherished and sacred time. I consider it one of the greatest tender mercies from our loving Heavenly Father. It was hard. It was painful. It was horrible to watch. It taught me empathy. It taught me compassion. It taught me about love and eternity.

And then I walked over to the window and I saw way out in the distance the majestic Salt Lake Temple. And for just a minute, for one brief moment in time, it was all okay. It felt peace and comfort. I felt the Savior wrap me in His arms. I felt mamma with me. Because in that instant, I knew that I already had the answers that I needed.

I KNOW that we WILL be Together Forever Someday. I KNOW that we have made sacred covenants in the holy temple and that we can be with our loved ones in the eternities. I KNOW that this is God's plan. I've never questioned why it happened. I've never wondered why us. I know it was our families plan. I know that she had completed her mission her on earth and that she was "transferred" to the other side of the veil to continue working and serving. I KNOW that she is with me. I know that she helps me and comforts me. I know that I am going to be okay, one day. I know that God is aware of me. I know that trials are part of this mortal experience. I know that they help us grow. I know they shape us and help us to be like our Father in Heaven.

I don't know HOW I'm going to do it. I'm just going to try with one step at a time and hope that I have the answers when I need them.