Bagpipes at the cemetery

I'm so grateful to my cousin Laurel who captured this beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace from mamma's burial sight. Thank you to Brother Duncan for playing and for changing your plans so that you could be there for my sweet mamma.

I love it!!

What has impacted your year? And how did it change you?

I saw this on a friends post, she only did 9 photos, 

but I couldn't narrow it down to 9, so here are my top 16....

What has impacted your year? And how did it change you?

• My sweet boy turned made the Madrigal Choir at school and turned 16 years old and started drivers ed. 
• I ran 10 miles again at the Soldier Field 10 Miler and did way better than I ever thought possible. 
• Jason and I made an effort to attend the temple more often. 
• My whole world changed on July 10th when my mom was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. 
• We had family pictures taken. 
• I spent most of the year with my mom, taking care of her. 
• My littlest brother went to serve a mission in the Dominican Republic. 
• My mom continued to get sicker and sicker and nothing we were doing was helping. 
• We brought mom home on hospice care for her final days on the earth. 
• My boys were able to come to Utah to say good-bye to her thanks to the tender mercies of our Heavenly Father. 
• We were able to fulfill her final dying wish and have Michael McLean come to our house and sing to her. 
• We rallied together as Team Cindy. 
• My boys were able to come back to Utah for mom's funeral. We had a celebration like I've never seen before because of the generosity of others and the tender mercies of our Heavenly Father.
• I buried my mom's physical body, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. 
• I got to see my two best friends from high school and the miracles that have taken place in their lives. 
• I learned first hand that God places people in our lives for very specific reasons. 
• I was given the greatest gift of all, this statue represents the unconditional love of my mother and her simple testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

 The most important part is how it has changed me:

• I know that it's ok that I only have one child because he needs me to be there for him and he will be gone from my influence before I know it. I will be more present in his life and listen to him tell me about his friends and his interests. 
• I know that I can do physically hard things and push my body harder than I ever thought possible. I will never quit. 
• I know that obedience brings blessings, I had no idea at the beginning of the year how much I would need to peace of the temple this year. I'm so grateful that we made an effort to go more often. I know going to the temple brings a peace that can be found nowhere else on the earth. I will go even more often. 
• I know that God is in control and that we don't get to pick the trials that we are asked to bear. Cancer Sucks. I know that we do not have any idea what someone is going through and how hard it really is until we have gone through it or watched someone firsthand go through it. I will be more compassionate and have more empathy for those around me. I will give more and listen to the promptings I receive to reach out to those around me. 
• There is nobody else in the world like your mother. I can not replace her and I can't bring her back, but I will live each day to make her proud of me. I will reach out to those around me, I will share the gospel through my example. 
• I will listen to the promptings of the Holy Ghost. I know that I was prompted to go to Utah to take these family pictures before Skylar left and I would have regretted it everyday for the rest of my life it I had not listened. I will always listen. 
• I watched my littlest brother, who is only 18, make the hardest decision of his life and leave his mother to serve the Lord as a full time missionary. He knew that there was a chance he would never see her again on this earth and he had enough faith and courage to answer the call to serve. I will be more obedient, have more faith and courage to do the things that the Lord asks me to do. I will always remember his example to me.
• There is always a reason for why things don't work out the way we want them to. I know it wasn't because of a lack of faith on our part that she was taken from us. I think it takes even more faith to not be healed. I have reached deep within my soul and know without any doubt that the plan of salvation is real and that we will be together forever someday. My testimony of the plan of salvation has been strengthened. I will share it with others.
• We were blessed to have been given so much time to spend together these past 6 months. I will always remember the tender mercies that Heavenly Father provided that allowed me to be able to be in Utah, Jason to be able to take care of things here at home and my family to be able to rally together. He truly is a God of miracles. He provides angels among us who bless us temporally and spiritually. I will pay it forward. I will do what I can to help those in need.
• I know that God answers prayers even for the smallest, maybe even silliest things because he is in the details of our lives. I know that he put the right people in our lives to be able to contact Michael McLean and I know that Michael was guided and inspired to come fulfill mom's last wish. I will pray and ask Heavenly Father for the desires of my heart and trust that he will grant them, if it be HIS will. 
• I know that my family is united. I know that no matter what our trials or hardships, we will be there for each other. I know that we don't always get along, but it's ok. We know that we love each other and when hard times come, we will be there for each other, NO MATTER WHAT! I will cherish that always. Team Cindy Forever!
• Once again, God provided tender mercies for so many people to be at the funeral and celebrate the life of my sweet mother. We were given so many blessings that in the details of her celebration because our Heavenly Father knew they were important to us. I will trust that He has a plan, that he knows the way and that He will bless us with all that our hearts desire if we will come to Him. I also know that doesn't mean we will always get everything we want, I wanted mom to be cured, but that was not meant to be. I will still trust Him and His plan.
• I know that God carried me during the days of mom's funeral and burial. I know that I couldn't have done it without Him. I will put my faith in Him and trust that He will be there for me during the hardest times of my life.
• I know that God gave me my friends {all of them} for very specific reasons. I know that all of them have been placed in my life to help me. I am grateful that we have so many relationships on this earth that will also transcend death and that we will be able to be with those we love, who are not "family" on the other side of the veil. 
• When this sweet nurse ran up to me and hugged me that day at the hospital, I knew that she just "got it". I knew that somehow she knew. And then she told me that her mother had died from Ovarian Cancer 5 years ago, and I knew that God had given her to us at this very specific time because she really did "get it". She knew, and because of that I knew that God knew. I knew that He knew me and he knew mom. She loved her nurses and they were all such a tender mercy for her during her time of greatest need. I will always be grateful for the amazing strength and love they had for my mother.

Most importantly, I was changed this year by my sweet angel mother and her simple, yet profound testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. She simply lived it. She didn't shout it from the rooftops, she didn't scold us too much when we were dis-obedient, she didn't withdraw her love from us when we disappointed her. {and we all did!} She didn't preach to us or force us. She simply lived it, every minute of every day. She loved unconditionally. She accepted us no matter what. YES, we disappointed her. YES, we disobeyed. YES, we made mistakes and made her upset. But it never changed the way she loved us.

The most important lesson I learned this year is that none of us have any idea how long we will be on this earth. None of us know when our time will come. None of us can plan on changing later because we might not have time. When we are disobedient and don't follow our Heavenly Father, we are the ones who miss out on the blessings and the happiness we could have had. He loves us no matter what. He will forgive us no matter what. We are the ones who suffer because of our poor choices. I know that mom knew this without any doubt.

Because of her, I will LOVE more, I will accept more, I will judge less, I will force less. I will simply live the Gospel and one day hope to be half as amazing and wonderful as she is! I love you mamma. I miss you every single minute of every day. I wish you were here so that I could tell you how much you mean to me. I know that you already know, but I want to tell you and hear your voice again. I want you to tell me that you "love me more", I want you to hold my hand and tell me that it's all going to be ok. I want you to share your sweet testimony with me one more time. I want you to call me and I want to be able to hug you one more time.

But then again, one more time would never be enough. I miss you like crazy! I love you more!!

The Greatest Gift

I can't even begin to explain the impact that mamma's last gift has had on me this year. I made a couple shelves on by bookcase and they are helping me get through each day without her.

Every time I look at these shelves, every time I see this statue of Christ I think of my sweet mamma. I think of her testimony. I think of her love. I think of all the people she served. I think of how Christlike she truly was. I cherish this gift more than anything I've ever received. I know mamma was inspired this year to get this statue for us. I know that she knew that we would need it. I know that it is a tender mercy for me.

I know that God is aware. I know that He will not leave us comfortless. I know that my Savior is walking with me and that he carries me on the hardest days.

Thank you mamma! Thank you for the Greatest Gift, your example! I love you more!!

Coming Home

And then it was time to come home. I literally felt like my heart was being torn in two. I wasn't sure how I was going to move forward and how I was going to leave my dad, whose heart is broken and whose entire life has been turned upside down and nothing will ever be the same again. But I knew that I had to come home.

I wanted to go back to the cemetery and say good-bye one more time. I've never thought I would like the cemetery. I always thought it was kind of strange to visit a persons body in the ground, but I was comforted every time I went there and I felt her spirit there.  I will miss you mamma. I will think about you every minute of every day and I will work as hard as I can to make you proud.

And then some more hard goodbyes. {I'm really, really getting tired of them!!}

And then, once again it was time to get on the airplane and go home.

I can't even begin to put into words how I feel. My heart is broken. My life is altered. My emotions are all over the place. I'm sad. I'm angry, I'm not sure how to move forward. I'm not sure how to live again. I'm numb. I'm afraid. I'm hurt and I miss my mom. All I want is my mom. All the time.

We loaded up all our stuff. We drove to the airport. We went through security. We walked to our gate and that is when I started to lose it. I heard "Fight Song" on the loud speaker. I saw an owl in the gift shop. I saw the Dr. Pepper in the vending machine. Everything reminded me of her. I  just couldn't imagine life without her. I just couldn't imagine how I was going to go on. How I was going to live the rest of my life without my mamma. I burst into tears and couldn't get them to stop. {I'm pretty sure the people around me thought I was really losing it!}

This summer taught me more about love and living than anything else I've ever been through. The experience that I shared with my family will forever be a cherished and sacred time. I consider it one of the greatest tender mercies from our loving Heavenly Father. It was hard. It was painful. It was horrible to watch. It taught me empathy. It taught me compassion. It taught me about love and eternity.

And then I walked over to the window and I saw way out in the distance the majestic Salt Lake Temple. And for just a minute, for one brief moment in time, it was all okay. It felt peace and comfort. I felt the Savior wrap me in His arms. I felt mamma with me. Because in that instant, I knew that I already had the answers that I needed.

I KNOW that we WILL be Together Forever Someday. I KNOW that we have made sacred covenants in the holy temple and that we can be with our loved ones in the eternities. I KNOW that this is God's plan. I've never questioned why it happened. I've never wondered why us. I know it was our families plan. I know that she had completed her mission her on earth and that she was "transferred" to the other side of the veil to continue working and serving. I KNOW that she is with me. I know that she helps me and comforts me. I know that I am going to be okay, one day. I know that God is aware of me. I know that trials are part of this mortal experience. I know that they help us grow. I know they shape us and help us to be like our Father in Heaven.

I don't know HOW I'm going to do it. I'm just going to try with one step at a time and hope that I have the answers when I need them.

Thanksgiving 2015

I think we were all still in shock on Thanksgiving. It was less than a week from the funeral and I don't think any of us knew what we were supposed to do. We had so many people provide us with food and we received so many blessings. Thank you!

We made dinner for 35 people. We cooked 2 turkeys and a ham. We made all the sides and set the tables and got everything ready. We ate and cleaned it all up. We marveled at how mom did it every year and how she made it all look so easy. We didn't burn anything and we had enough food, so I would say it was a success. But who knows. We were all just there. Just being. Just trying to fathom how we are ever going to go on without her. We miss you so much mamma.

My cousin Hanna and her family came to say Hi to us that evening!

We made it. We did the first holiday without her. We all survived. Some of us better than others. But we did it. I can't even imagine how we are going to do the next one, and how we are going to do them for many years, but right now were just taking little baby steps forward, and we made it through this one. Happy Thanksgiving! We really do have so  much to be grateful for!!

12 Days - Our blanket Project

We decided the last week of mom's life that we were ready to tell everyone that we have been doing a Christmas Project for over 30 years and that we were not going to be able to do it again this year. We asked for your help and were blessed to be able to complete this project just days after the funeral. We shared the following at the funeral:

We have a family tradition that we have continued for over 30 years. We have delivered the 12 days of Christmas to a hand picked family on each of the 12 days before Christmas, ending on Christmas Eve. This year, because we had spent so much time at Primary Children’s Hospital, we decided to forgo this tradition of the 12 days of Christmas and made 12 baby quilts and donated them to the hospital. This was the only year that we did not do the 12 days of Christmas. Mom loved Christmas stories and treats. We would plan specific stories, games and gifts for each night of the 12 days of Christmas. We always took “The Last Straw” story with a manger and straw. On the final night, we would deliver a baby Jesus for the manger, gifts for family, a picture of the Savior and a Christmas meal. Some of our favorite memories are trying to get away without being caught. We had to hide a few times in bushes while they were trying to discover who these secret messengers were. We had family planning meetings to strategically plan the best delivery routes and times to hopefully throw the families off our trail. We have continued this tradition and love planning who we are going to serve, one year we decided to do a family that had a missionary in the MTC so mom decided we needed to do the 12 days for her also, and one year we even did two families because we couldn’t decide which one needed it more. That was a lot of work!!             For the last 10 years, Mom has prepared everything and it’s been up to Dad and Skylar to deliver all the gifts. Dad is pretty sure he can’t continue this tradition, the year Skylar had his knee surgery was evidence that he needs a good runner to deliver all the gifts and keep it a secret. As a family, we have decided that we will dedicate this final 12 days of Christmas to our angel mother, we have made 19 fleece quilts with your help, and we added patches to the corners in memory of her, we will deliver them as a family to the Revere Health Infusion Center where mom received her chemotherapy. We are also printing pillowcases to deliver to the Oncology floor at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center to give to surviving cancer patients. We know that this tradition has changed the way we view Christmas and the birth of our Savior.

We went to Dr. Bott's office and the hospital on Tuesday afternoon. It was such an honor to give something back to those who worked so hard to save mom's life. We know that we didn't get the outcome that we wanted, but we know that the Dr.s did everything they could and it was her time to go. We are so grateful for their love, support and medical expertise in her behalf. 

When we went to the hospital, this sweet nurse came running up to me and gave me a huge hug. Her name is Jen and she was the sweetest, more caring and compassionate nurse. {mom had a TON of great nurses, but I immediately connected and loved Jen}. She told me that she needed to share something with me. She told me that her mom had died 5 years ago from ovarian cancer and that they had fought for 2 years and that she knew exactly what I was going through. It was just another witness from our Heavenly Father that he is aware of me, that he knows, that He put people in our lives at very specific times to help us. I am so grateful for this knowledge, for this blessing and most especially for her love and compassion for me. Thank you Jen!

We have been blessed for so many years by serving. My mama taught us how to serve and how to love. She is the greatest example I could ever have of reaching out to those in need and of helping anyone and everyone. I am a better person because of her. I love you mamma! I miss you every minutes of everyday!

I love you more!!

After the Funeral

I don't really remember anything significant after the funeral. I was done. I was exhausted and I couldn't physically handle much more. We met at dad's church building for a family dinner. There were about 100 of our immediate family and close friends. It was busy and noisy and I was done with everything that day. I had been through so much in the last few weeks and I felt like I had reached the limit of my capacity for dealing with everything.

I do remember this AWESOME Dr. Pepper stand that we made, and the thank you's that we handed out to everyone who has done SO much for us! THANK YOU!!

 During the dinner we realized that we needed to go back over to the Stake Center and get all of the stuff we had used for the displays. It was sort of a relief to need to go do something and leave for a few minutes. After we cleaned everything up, we went back to the church for a few family pictures.  {We're missing a few people, since we were having a guinea pig emergency right during the middle of them, another story!}

The Jenson Family

The McDonald Family

The Jason Club

The Robert Jenson Family

Someone asked me what I was going to do after the dinner and I said I was going to go to my mom's house and plop myself on her couch and not move the rest of the night. I told them they were welcome to come if they wanted, but that I wasn't moving!! {and I didn't, all night long!}

The next morning it was time to start saying good-bye. Oh man, I can't handle much more. I was truly exhausted and had to drag myself out of bed. I was sad and depressed and didn't want to say good-bye to everyone, but I wanted to take a few pictures, so once again, I drug myself out of bed, I got dressed and got ready to take a few pictures and I tried to put on a smile. {I realize now that I look at these pictures that I really look awful, these days are just so dang hard!}

I wanted a picture with both of my grandmothers. I don't know how much longer they will live and I don't know when the next time I will see them, so I wanted to make sure I had a picture. Life is short, I've learned that the hard way. I don't want to have any regrets!!

Grandma McDonald, Liberty and Grandma Jenson

Aunt Danielle, Liberty, Aunt Deanna - Dad's sisters

Liberty, Aunt Karri, Dad and Grandma Jenson

Aunt Tammie and Liberty

That afternoon all I wanted to do was go back up to the cemetery. I think I knew that I wasn't going to be in Utah for very long and I wanted to go as many times as I could. I also needed to see the site with the casket in the ground. Dad, Ryan, Jason and I all went up to see the graveside. I was sad that all the flowers were already dead. {It was FREEZING!}.  I love the site and I love the mountains in the background.

That evening we decided to go see the lights at the Riverwoods. I wasn't sure I wanted to go and I wasn't sure if I could handle it, but I decided that I needed to get out of the house for a few minutes, so we went. {and it was fun!}

Thenen we had to say good-bye to some more family.

Jason Morris Family and the Cameron Family at 

Ryan, Liberty and Dad

Sunday we got up and started the "firsts". The first time going to church without her. We've been to church for months without her, she had been to sick to go, but it was the first time that we had been to church since she died. Thankfully we were there together and we all kept it together pretty well for sacrament meeting. {that was all we could handle for the first time!}

Dad, Liberty, Haylee, Kaitlyn, Tanner and Jason

For the next few days we were all kind of in a haze. We worked on getting the blankets ready to deliver and we got everything ready for Thanksgiving!! 

The viewing and Funeral

Thursday, November 19th was Mom's viewing. That morning all the girls went to the Walker Sanderson Mortuary to dress mom's body. I wasn't sure how I felt about this. I really wanted to do it and I had been told that it was a very spiritual experience, so I really wanted to have the chance to do it, but I was scared because her body looked so bad that day they had come to take it away.  I wasn't sure what she was going to look like and if I was going to be able to dressing her body. I wanted support so I invited all the girls to go with me. I'm so grateful that I had all of their support. When we got to the mortuary he just took us right into the room and said, she's right here. We weren't really prepared, and it was really hard. He left us in the room to have a few minutes to collect ourselves and have a prayer together. When we finally all had a chance to look at her body, we all just thought she looked SO beautiful. It was really an amazing, spiritual experience. The veil was very thin and I know she was there with us. She looked so peaceful and happy. Her physical body was so worn out and tired, but I was so happy that she looked so beautiful. It was such a beautiful and sacred experience. If you ever have the option to do it, I would highly recommend it.

Georgia, Jennifer, Liberty, Amber, Heather and Christie

After we dressed her we painted her nails a beautiful pink color. She really did look amazing. Then we started setting up the displays and getting everything ready for the viewing. It turned out great!! Everything was beautiful, the casket was perfect, the flowers were AMAZING, the displays turned out great, the DVD worked perfect. It was a great night, well except we were at our mother's viewing.

Awe, the casket flowers. Thank you so much to an amazing friend who made the casket flowers. Amber and I both LOVED them, and we're grateful that dad went along with us even when they were a lot more than he wanted to spend. It was important for us to celebrate our mother and this was one way we could show her how much we card.

It was a long night, there was a pretty steady line all night long. We saw lots of people we haven't seen for many years. There were so many people who loved mom and wanted to come and see us. It was exhausting, but we all held it together pretty well and we were even able to keep dad from talking too long and kept the line moving pretty well.

The next morning we all got to the church and got everything set up for the viewing at the church and the funeral. I asked a photographer friend to come and take pictures and I am SO glad that I did. He was so gracious and generous. He didn't charge me and he came for 3 hours and took pictures of the viewing, the casket and the displays at the church.  Here are just a few, I have hundreds more, but I'm going to keep them for our family.

I also have a couple pictures that Robert took that I LOVE!! We had each just told her our last good-bye, we were getting ready to close the casket and we had a moment for a family hug. I am so grateful for pictures to remember these memories, even though they are hard to look at sometimes, I LOVE having them.

As I was putting the veil over her face, my heart was breaking. This was the last time I would ever see her body on earth. It was very hard, but I am so grateful for all the tender moments I had to give these final gifts to my mother's earthly body.

I thought the next part was pure torture. They closed the casket and then they ask the family to follow right behind the casket as they take it into the chapel. It was SO hard. We were all crying and everyone was watching us. It was just heartbreaking to be walking into my mother's funeral. I didn't know how I was going to get through the next part of the program. I was giving the life sketch and was going to try to sing "Together Forever Someday" for mamma. I had Jason give me a blessing the night before and I felt strengthened by my mamma the entire time.

The funeral was LONG. Almost 2 hours. But it was a wonderful tribute. I truly felt mom was there holding me up. I didn't break down once during her life sketch or the singing. I had everyone link arms and we sang "Together Forever" for mamma. I felt like I had done everything she would have ever wanted me to do to honor her. If you want to read the entire life sketch, you can download it HERE.

We were able to have Skylar watch via webcast and then he was able to share his testimony over the phone with us. He continues to amaze me at his strength and testimony of the gospel. Brett read Skylar's testimony that he had previously emailed to us, Ryan and Jeff both spoke and dad bore his testimony. It was an amazing service. Mom would have been so proud of us.

After the service, we went out the side door to the waiting hearse. It was very surreal to be at my own mother's funeral. To be a part of the immediate family and to be so consumed with the funeral and the details and the family that I really didn't even see who was at the service, who came to see mom and who came to the cemetery. I know it was a full house and I know that a lot of people came to see her, but I missed being able to hug them and say hello.

We all loaded in the cars and went to the Orem City Cemetery. It was a cool day, the wind was blowing and it was a little chilly {but nothing compared to my grandpa's funeral, that day was FREEZING!}.

Ryan, Brett, Amber, Dad, Liberty, Jeff and Scott - we love you Sky, but we are so proud of you and your amazing faith!

We had teal balloons for each of the kids and grandkids to write a message to grandma and let them go. We also gave them each flowers to put on the casket. It was so cute watching them. I know most of them are too little to really understand what is happening, but it was so cute to watch their sweet spirits. I'm so glad we took the time to do this tribute. We love you mamma!!!

After the balloon release, there really wasn't anything left to do, but none of us wanted to leave. I went and knelt down by the casket and I completely lost it. I had held it together for so long, and I just couldn't keep it together any longer. I can't even imagine how I am going to move on without my mamma. My heart was broken, my spirit couldn't handle any more. My life was forever changed and I couldn't even begin to think that I could walk away and go home to Chicago without my mamma. I literally fell to the ground and wept, big gulping tears of sorrow. I have never felt such emotional pain in all of my life. There was a moment there that I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get back up off the ground, thankfully my sweet Jason and Tanner came and helped pick me up off the ground. This really was my Friday, my Gethsemane . My heart was shattered. I wasn't sure how I was going to move forward. But, I knew that God needed me to have faith and move forward. I knew that my sweet boy needed me, I knew that my dad needed me. I knew that my siblings needed me. I knew that God would be with me and that I did not have to walk through this trial alone.

I finally picked myself up off the ground. I threw my arms around my boys and wept. I was so overcome with pain and sorrow. I sobbed, and sobbed. I just didn't know how I was ever going to move forward without my sweet mamma. But eventually the sobbing slowed down, eventually my heart was wrapped in love, eventually I was comforted by my Savior and eventually I was able to settle down and move forward for a few minutes. Finally I was able to walk away from the graveside. I knew it would be the last time I would ever see the casket, the next time I came here, her body would be buried in the ground. I don't think I had ever felt this kind of sorrow. I'm so grateful to know that my Savior knew how I was feeling and that He was there for me.