It's CANCER....NOW WHAT?

I've been approached MANY times by friends who have recently learned someone in their lives has been diagnosed with cancer. I have been asked many questions about how they should react, what they can do, how they can help, what kinds of things helped me the most. I've been asked how to help during treatment, how to help when there isn't anything else they can do and they know their loved one is going to die, and how to help during the funeral. I thought it might be helpful to write down everything I can think of - I'm sure I'll still forget things - but, I'm hoping it will be a good resource that I can share when I'm asked next time. {unfortunately, I'm sure I will be!} 

This is ALL from MY experience, I know that everyone's experience is different and everyone will need different things!!

First of all, remember that the first few days everyone is just in complete shock. Suddenly your entire world stops moving. You can't eat, can't sleep, can't stop thinking about the uncertainty of the future. You don't want to do normal things. You don't want to act "ok" around people. You want to cry, scream, be depressed, yell, be angry....and EVERY other emotion you've ever felt. Sometimes you find out about someone in your life who has cancer, a friend, or family member, and you can't share it with anyone. Sometimes you don't know how much to share. It's a very complicated, uncertain place to be. Some of my thoughts on this are:

First of all, TRY not to ask "what can I do?" There is no answer to this question. There is nothing that would make it any better except to take away the cancer and have your loved one healed. If you think of something that you can do, JUST DO IT!!! EVERY call, text, letter, card, gift, show of support, and prayer is felt. Listen to the Holy Spirit and follow any prompting that you receive. I testify that on some of the hardest days, during some of the hardest times, I would receive a blessing that I KNOW came directly from my loving Heavenly Father through pure inspiration, do not put off a prompting, you just might be His hands sending a message of love and hope on a really hard day.

THE FIRST FEW DAYS OR WEEKS:

• It's ok to NOT be ok. It's ok to be "unavailabe" and not follow through with everything you had planned. It's ok to cancel plans, to breath, to let go of things that don't HAVE to be done right then. And it's ok to not give any explanation. 
• You're life has just changed drastically, it's ok to grieve. It's ok to cry, scream, yell, be angry and depressed. You need to feel all of these emotions and let them process to be able to move forward. You need to be able to fall apart, as many times as you need to.
• BE POSITIVE, but don't make any promises.
• Talk about it if you want to, don't talk about it if you don't want to....ANYTHING is ok during this time.
• If you can, reach out to someone who understands what you are going through. They might not be in the exact same situation, but we all have a friend or family member who we know has been through hard times. Reach out for encouragement, love and understanding. {remember I am ALWAYS available to reach out to!!}
• Pray, PRAY, and PRAY some more - For strength, and peace. 
• Call your loved one's name into the temple, and ask your friends and family to do the same!
• You will feel completely helpless, and you will want to DO something. Find something you can focus on that might be helpful: Some ideas include:
• Set up a fundraiser - we had several lemonade stand sales, a Go Fund Me page and a bank account set up in her name
• Find out the color for their type of cancer and share it with those around you - Teal will never be the same for our family and friends. 
• If you want one, decide on a name for your friends fight - We formed Team Cindy within the first few hours of her diagnosis. It helped us feel united and receive strength from those who shared our story by using our "Team" name.
• Have someone design a logo or graphic that you can use to unite your family and friends and share online as a reminder of those who are fighting with you - I designed my mom's and I'm always willing to help design something for you!
• Design and make shirts to sell - we had Team Cindy shirts made by a friend who donated the cost of the printing so we could make a bigger profit on the ones we sold, we wore them every chance we could, but we had several really hard days when we asked everyone to wear them with us, it gave us strength to see others honoring our mother.
• Order bracelets to unite your family as you fight together - we ordered ours online and you have to purchase a large quantity to get the best price, sell them at every fundraiser you plan. We ordered adult and child sizes and most small/medium adults can wear the child size. {I prefer the child size}.
• Come up with a family motto to use while your going through this trial -  ours was Doubt Not, Fear Not - Taken from D&C 6:36
• Organize a way to get information out to those who will want updates - We made a Team Cindy group page on Facebook so we could post updates to everyone who wanted them. There was a list of people who did not have Facebook, so one of my friends would copy the Facebook post and email it to those who didn't have FaceBook. I didn't have to worry about anyone getting updates, and I only had to post it once on FaceBook. 
• If possible, come up with one main contact person who can share information - This was most important when things were changing several times a day and we received a million texts asking for updates. It was so hard to navigate sharing information with everyone who loves and cares for each one of us. Most updates were posted on Team Cindy by me, I would write them with my family and we would decide what we needed to share.
• Only share as much as you are comfortable sharing with those around you. Everyone does NOT need to know everything that is going on. We are pretty much an open book and we shared our entire story, but I recognize that not everyone is comfortable with sharing as much as we did, and you DON'T have to!!
• Unite together in fasting and prayer. Ask your family and friends to fast and pray for your family and your loved one - I personally received so much strength and courage through the prayers and faith of those around me during those hard 4 months. I felt a strength that I've never felt before, and haven't felt as much since, through the united fasting and prayers on behalf of our family.
• Send a card, text, letter, or message to your loved one, AND their family members. There are 7 children in our family, some of our wards and friends were our biggest supporters, and they didn't even know my mom. We received meals, letters, messages, stamps {very helpful to send thank you cards}, money, treats, flowers, and LOTS of love!! Reach out to extended family members as they will all be struggling in different ways.
• BREATHE and take ONE THING AT A TIME, remember this is a time with a LOT of uncertainty - this was one of the hardest times of my life and I needed to stop and breathe so many time, I needed to let myself feel all of the emotions I was feeling during that time, I needed time to process this new normal in my life. 

DURING TREATMENT - every situation is very different!

• In our situation Mom was already so sick before we started treatment. She never really got out of bed or went anywhere once she was diagnosed. I know this is not always the case, so remember this is from my experience. 
• You will have good days, and bad days - cherish the good days and breathe through the bad days. Hang on and make sure to take some time for yourself. Get a pedicure {in the cancer color if you want}, pray, meditate, read a good article, find an inspirational post to brighten your day, reach out to a friend. 
• Be aware of your loved ones desire for visitors - CAN they even have visitors? Do they WANT visitors? How do they feel about hospital visitors versus home visitors. It is PERFECTLY OK to turn visitors away if your loved one in not feeling up to it or is having a hard day. 
• Be very AWARE of germs. Most of the time when your loved one is having cancer treatments, their immune system is very weak. Usually it is better to keep small children, who carry lots of germs, and unhealthy friends away. 
• Make everyone wash their hands and use hand sanitizer when they come to visit. Do NOT worry what they think when you ask them. This is to protect your loved one from what could be life threatening germs.
• Drop off a gift at the front door and don't visit - it was very overwhelming and tiring for mom to have visitors, but she never wanted to turn anyone away so she would always let them visit.
• Find things that help your loved one during treatment, each person is different and will want different things. Some of the things that helped mom were:
• Hard candy, usually mint
• Ice chips
• ANYTHING she was craving that we could get her to eat!! {she didn't eat at all!}
• TV shows - she watched "Michael & Kelly" and "Family Fued" everyday!!
• A friend came and read to her and shared stories with her.
• Another friend came and sang to her.
• Mom loved us to massage her hands and feet and rub lotion on them.
• Paint their nails, or do their hair. 
• Find comfortable clothes for them to wear. Mom was so uncomfortable all the time that we went and bought her nightgowns and casual dresses to wear so she didn't have to put on pants and get "dressed" everyday.
• Sit with them in their grief, be with them in their pain, cry with them through the uncertainty. 
• Say ANYTHING to them that you feel you need to, cherish every moment you have with them. Do NOT have any regrets - This is one of my greatest blessings, I am so grateful I was able to share my heart with my mom before she passed away. I knew that I had told her everything I needed to and I knew that she loved me.
• Spend as much time with them as you can - I was so blessed to be able to spend so much time with my mom when she was sick. I consider it one of the greatest tender mercies of this journey.

WHEN EVERYTHING CHANGED:

When we first found out that mom wasn't going to make it and that we would be bringing her home on hospice to live her final days on earth, we were all devastated. Up until just the week before, we thought she was doing ok. We thought she was just sick from the treatments and that once we could get through them, she would get better. We knew she had cancer. We knew from the minute she was diagnosed that this could be our outcome, but we had been fighting SO HARD to get her better and we were not prepared for it to end so suddenly.

So, what can you do? What is helpful during this time?

• Be aware and considerate of the families time with their loved one. Mom had so many visitors that we finally had to ask them to stop coming so we could spend some time with her. We loved that so many people wanted to say good-bye to her, but I remember one night she said to me, "I can't do this anymore, please tell them to stop coming, it's like I am alive at my own funeral and I can't do it anymore."
• Pray for peace and comfort for their family. 
• Put their names on the prayer roll in the temple.
• Send texts and messages of love, but don't be upset if they don't respond. 
• Drop food or treats off at their house if you are able. This is to support the caregivers who do not want to leave their loved ones side. - We did not leave the house unless we absolutely had to for the entire week mom was home on hospice. Nobody wanted to miss anything and we had no way of knowing when things would change.
• Offer to watch small children.
• Organize meals to be brought in to the family. Nobody wanted to think about eating during this time and none of us would have if we hadn't had them delivered each night. We all needed to eat and stay healthy during this time, but even thinking about what to eat was too hard.
• Send flowers, cards or gifts to the family members who are taking care of their loved one. We appreciated every time we received love and support from our friends.

PREPARING FOR THE FUNERAL:

This is something you never want to have to do. Those first few days, I couldn't believe we were planning my mom's funeral. We were lucky enough that we were able to ask her what she wanted for her funeral and she made most of the plans before she passed away. The following are some ideas of things that might be helpful as you prepare for a funeral.

• Offer to watch any small children during the viewing and the funeral. None of the family should have to leave the funeral with an upset child. I would have NEVER though about this before my mom's {or my sister-in-laws} funeral. 
• Suggest they find someone to take photos or hire a photographer. I know this sounds a little strange, but you will cherish those photos in the future. 
• Suggest they wear the cancer color to the funeral. This was SO uniting for our family. I love the photos we have in our teal clothes. It reminds me of the love everyone has for my mamma.
• Make arrangements to have dinner/sandwiches/food during the night of the viewing. Most of the day is spent getting ready and making funeral preparations and some of the family may have not eaten all day.
• Assign a ward member or friend to clean up the display items and take them to your house. - I totally forgot about cleaning up the display after we had been to the cemetery and went to the family dinner. I was totally completely exhausted and I was so tired with I got the text that I needed to come clean it up and bring it all home because there was a wedding at that church building that same evening. 
• Some thoughts for the immediate family:
• Everyone will be exhausted after the viewing. You will probably plan a short viewing before the funeral the next morning so try not to plan the funeral to start too early - I know you might not have any control over this, but you might suggest it if you are able to.
• Suggest the pallbearers all wear matching ties. I know this sounds a little silly, but once again they will all feel united and every time they wear their tie after the funeral they will think if their loved one. 
• Let the children have as little or as much contact with the casket as they want, let them lead. We had children who had no problem and wanted to see her and kiss her and be right in the middle of everything. We had others who wanted nothing to do with it. It's ok either way and they need to grieve in their own way.
• As a family, take as much time as you need to say goodbye on the day of the viewing and the funeral. This is your time. This is your family celebration. Let everyone have a chance to say good-bye. This is one of my favorite photos, united as siblings with dad in a circle of love, just before we closed the casket.

I wish I didn't have to write this post and I wish that you weren't reading it because you know someone who has cancer. I wish we lived in a world without cancer. I wish my mom had lived and that she was still here with me today. BUT, I am a different person because of this trial our family has been asked to endure. I am aware of so many things that I would never have known before. I am more compassionate, more empathetic, more loving and more forgiving. I am closer to my family than I have ever been. We are a united team. We don't have to agree with everything each person is doing, we know that at the end of the day, we would do ANYTHING we needed to for one another.

I hope you find something helpful in this post. I hope you feel hope and peace. I am more than willing to answer any questions you might have or give you any other specifics you want. I am also willing to pray for you, for your loved one and for your family.

Utah, A Funeral, Family and Trials

I don't know how we made it through the last week. I don't know how it's possible that it's only been a week. It feels like it's been at least 6 months.

Monday, May 29th, dad called to tell us that Jennifer had passed away. We still don't even know exactly what happened, but we find comfort in the plan of salvation and eternal life.

Tuesday afternoon we got a text from Brett and Heather that they had lost their baby at 19 weeks pregnant. They were going to have to wait to do a DandC, but about an hour later her water broke and they headed to the hospital. She pushed one time and the baby was born. Another little boy. They named him Bronson Theodore McDonald. After the delivery, the placenta and afterbirth did not deliver, so she had to have surgery to remove it and she lost a lot of blood so they kept her overnight to make sure she was ok.

I got Brett's text while I was at work on Tuesday and I was SO ANGRY. I burst into tears and started getting so mad, How could God expect so much of our family? How could he ask us to do more? How could he take Jennifer from Ryan and the kids and now Brett and Heather's baby in the same 24 hours? What did he expect from us? Our mom just died 18 months ago? I just got divorced a year ago. What was he thinking? Did he honestly think that we could handle everything He was asking us to do? Why? Seriously? Haven't we been through enough? Isn't one death this week enough for our family? My boss lovingly put his arm around me and said, "let's go home for today" and I left.

I was pretty angry driving home. I called a friend who talked me through it. I pulled into my driveway and I hadn't been sitting there more than a minute when the Elders walked by. Why were they here? I don't see them very often in my neighborhood. I got out of the car and walked toward my house. They were at my front door. They had come for me. I walked up to them and I said "Elders, I know that God sent you here at this exact moment because I need you to give me a blessing." I proceeded to spew out EVERYTHING that's happened in the last 2 years of my life through sobbing tears. (I'm sure they thought I was a crazy lady, and I'm pretty sure I'll be in some mission homecoming talk about listening to promptings or dealing with crazy people).

And then they gave me the most beautiful blessing and I felt such peace and comfort. I KNOW that God sent them to me RIGHT THEN because I needed to know that he knew me. I needed to know that he has not left us alone to deal with all of these HARD trials. I needed to feel his love personally and individually. He is walking with me. He is carrying me. He has provided a way, a Savior for me.
Thank you Elders for listening. Thank you for being obedient. You were God's hands today and you delivered a message of hope, of peace, and of love. Even in the middle of our darkest trials, there are tender mercies all around us. I am so grateful for mine today! #godisaware #helovesus #lifeishard #tendermercies #everythingishard #deathishard #griefishard #lifeisfragile

Friday morning I got up early to head to Utah. I still could not believe that I was going to Utah for another Funeral. It's surreal.

I got to Utah and spent a few minutes with Ryan and his kids before we had to go to the Mortuary. Dang it, look at these cute faces. My heart is breaking for them.

They we met as a family at the mortuary. Ryan and dad decided to go in first so that Ryan could have some time with her. They were gone for a very long time and I'm sure it was so hard for them both. Then the rest of us went in to see her body and to spend some time together. It was a special sacred time. I've learned that this time while funerals are being planned and their body is being prepared is a very sacred and special time. The veil is very thin and angels are close. It is humbling to be a part of.

Ryan decided on a casket that was black and you could write on it with sharpie markers. It was very therapeutic for all of us. It was just what we needed to be able to write messages to her, the kids needed to draw her pictures, they needed to feel a connection. It was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen and I totally want one at my funeral. {so everyone remember!!}

  

Haylee took this picture of me and Kylee. It breaks my heart and gives me chills all at the same time. I pulled sweet Kylee towards me and told her that I KNEW exactly how she felt. I too have stood looking into the casket of my sweet mamma. I know it's one of the hardest things I've ever done and I'm much older than she is....I can't imagine losing my mom at such a young age. But, one of the most important lessons I have learned the last two years is that we are placed in each other's lives for a reason. We have challenges and struggles and trials so that we can help others through theirs, and they can help us through ours. Kylee, your mamma loves you. She will be with you, she will watch over you. She will be there on the most important days of your life. You will feel her. You will see her hand in your life. She will never leave you.This I know, because my mamma is always with me.

After the mortuary, Heather and I took all the older granddaughters to get their nails done. {Thank you Grandpa!} It was so fun to go to mamma's nail place and to spend a few minutes together doing something besides planning for a funeral and thinking of how Ryan is going to move forward.

The next day was the funeral. I got up early to curl all the girls hair and get all of the kids ready. They looked so cute in their new clothes with their flowers in their hair.

Lots of friends and family came to support Ryan and the kids. It was so beautiful to see all of the love poured out on them.  These are the flowers that the siblings sent Ryan and the kids. They are beautiful.

The funeral was beautiful. The service was perfect. The speakers were just right and the music was perfect for Jennifer. It was amazing how it was so different than mom's and yet so perfect for Jen. On the way to the cemetery, the hearse went through the Quick Quack Car Wash. Jennifer worked for them and it was the perfect tribute to her. She would have LOVED it!!! I'm sure she was there watching over us as we cheered and smiled at the love of those she worked for.

When we pulled into the cemetery, the Quick Quack float was sitting out front. Jennifer hadn't seen it yet, but it was a perfect welcome for her when we got to the cemetery. Once again, she would have LOVED it.

This is Matt, the director of Utah Valley Mortuary and he was AMAZING!!!! Very highly recommend them if you ever need their services. Thank you Matt!!

It is so humbling to see my brothers once again standing over a casket. It is hard to understand why we have been asked to do this again. They all have so much strength and are such a support to each other. I love them so much.

The cemetery did a dove release, which was SO cool. They released 33 doves for Jennifer. She would have loved to see it. Then we did a balloon release. Oh Jen, how are you really gone?

Here are some of my favorite pictures from the cemetery. The casket looked so cool with love written all over it.

Oh how much I love you and don't understand why you have to go through this. Hang in there, God has a plan for you and your children. I don't just think this, I KNOW this. I am constantly praying for you and the kids.

The McDonald Family! What a team!! One that I am very grateful to be on.

Love this picture that Erin captured of me. Thanks Erin.

And then we went to the church for dinner and Sodalicious was there was one more reminder of sweet Jennifer! Thank you!!

Jennifer Dillon McDonald - Gone too soon

My dad called me about 8:30am on Memorial Day, it was Monday morning, May 29th and I was still asleep. It was one of my only days off and I didn't even set an alarm. I didn't get the phone the first time because I was half asleep, so he called me a few minutes later and I picked it up. I was still half asleep, until he said "I'm calling to tell you that Jennifer passed away this morning". I don't even remember what I said or how I reacted. I know for sure I was in complete shock. He told me he was still at Ryan's house dealing with the police and asked me to call all my siblings. I called them all and none of them answered the first time. So I started again, and got Brett and then Amber. I couldn't get Jeff or Scott. I finally got Christie, and between her and Brett they finally got his boss and work and they got in touch with him. (He was training someone and couldn't be on his phone). Amber finally got in touch with Scott and within a few hours all of the other kids were at Ryan's house. All of us were just in shock.

I felt completely lost. I am the only one who doesn't live there and I just felt in a complete daze.  I wanted to be in Utah with my family, but I knew I couldn't leave until the end of the week. I tried to focus on what needed to get done before then. I'm grateful that they all sat down and made a list of everything that needed to get done. They assigned me to write the obituary, make the program and get the slide show together. I didn't even know where to start, but I just took one day at a time. I started with contacting her family to get some information for the obituary. I prayed A LOT and asked her many times what she wanted me to write. I knew that I could do it, but I also knew that I needed heaven's help.

I was struggling to find a picture. all we could find were selfies and I wasn't sure that we should use a selfie for her obituary, but Ryan loved this picture and we decided that it fit her personality perfectly.

It turned out beautiful. She definitely helped me know what to say. Here is her obituary:

Jennifer Lynn Dillon McDonald, 33, passed from this mortal existence, Monday, May 29, 2017. Her sudden and unexpected death has left us all searching for answers. Jennifer was born February 29, 1984 in Danville Virginia to Peggy Jane Dillon and William Demott. She grew up in Danville and attended Forest Hills Elementary School. She was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ when she was 13 years old and has always had a strong testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

She grew up watching her father cook in his restaurant and loved to cook up a good southern meal anytime she could. She attended George Washington High School, but transferred to Morehead High School in Eden, North Carolina where she graduated in 2002. A few weeks after graduation, she boarded a train bound for Utah on a grand adventure to be with the Mormons. When Jen arrived in Provo, Utah she got a ride to her apartment and sat down and cried, “What have I done?” and then she got up and walked to the Dollar Store and got a job on the spot. She then walked down the street to Macey’s and applied for a job in the Deli and they hired her on the spot. She took the job at Macey’s and she loved working there. Jennifer was going to make things happen in her life, she never stood around and waited, she went after everything she wanted, including her future spouse. Jennifer met Ryan McDonald in April of 2004, at the gas station where he was working, and they were engaged 3 days later. They were sealed for time and all eternity in the Mount Timpanogos Temple on August 5, 2004.

Her work at Macey’s wasn’t challenging enough, so her early career took her next to being a sales rep for Advantage Sales and Marketing, working with the Pepsico Brands.. Jen became the number one salesperson in the country and was offered a higher position in Texas, but she turned them down because she didn’t want to make Ryan leave Utah, this eventually led her to being offered a supervisor job in the Oakland California area. They were always supportive of each other in their career goals and in October 2006, Ryan, Jen and Kylee moved to Sacramento where they made many lifelong friends. She would eventually quit Pepsico, and begin working with Unified Grocers. Soon she wanted to be able to work from home, and care for her growing family. Ryan Jr. (Buddy), Savannah (Savvy) and Nash joined their family during the time they lived in California. She began working in social media, which let her to Pizza Guys and Quick Quack in Sacramento, this involved a lot of promotional events with the Sacramento Kings and she loved all of the experiences she had while they lived in California.

Following the loss of her mother-in-law in Nov 2015, their family decided to move back to Utah to be closer to family. In April 2016, Jennifer’s mother also passed away and during that same time, their little family made their way back to Orem, Utah, which is where they now reside. Needing a job, she applied and was hired to be the PR manager for Quick Quack Car Wash and was very involved with the opening of new car washes here in Utah. Jen’s zest for life was profound in her employment and being a mother to her children.

Jennifer was the life of the party and made everyone in the room feel included and loved. She lived life to the fullest, having no regrets and marched to the beat of her own drum. She radiated joy with a bit of southern spunk, told hilarious stories, and could make friends with everyone. She was a profound influence in her community; she was one of the brightest and most accepting, yet curious lights. She was caring and one of the most generous people you would ever know. She was one of a kind, with a heart of gold. Jennifer was a wonderful mother, planning elaborate parties for every occasion. She loved fiercely and we have no idea how we are going to go on without her crazy, southern self in our lives.

She is survived by her husband, Ryan; children Kylee, Ryan Jr. (Buddy), Savannah (Savvy), and Nash. She is also survived by her siblings; Billy (Ellen) Demott, Ray (Paula) Demott, John Demott, Kitty (Rodger) Minter, Randy Demott, Lucille (Bob) Clarke, Barbara (Johnnie) Brown, Geraldine Dillon, Matthew Dillon, Steven (Lisa) Dillon, Shirley Roberts, Mary (Daryl) Groce. She also leaves behind many aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, brother and sister-in-laws, and friends. She was preceded in death by her father William Demott, her mother Peggy Dillon, and her sister Hazel Grogan.

Funeral Services will be held Saturday, June 3rd, at 11:00 am, at the Park 6th Ward, 195 West 300 South, Orem, Utah, where a Viewing will be held prior to services from 9:00 to 10:30 am. Interment in Mapleton Cemetery, 620 West Maple Street, Mapleton, Utah.

Funeral Directors: Utah Valley Mortuary.

Then I started working on the program. Luckily Dad and Ryan had worked out all the details and had asked all the people who he wanted to participate. I was stressing out on Wednesday night. It was almost midnight at my house, I was working on the program, but I had lost the first copy of the whole inside and had to start over. I was tired. I was emotionally drained. I was on the verge of losing it. I had just been talking to Ryan on the phone trying to work out some details and I didn't know how in the world I was ever going to get a slide show put together. Thursday morning I had a training to to go for work. Thursday night was Tanner's choir concert {part of the reason I had stayed home until this weekend} and I had an early morning flight on Friday morning. I wasn't sure how in the world I was ever going to get the slide show put together. I hadn't even asked for help, when Ryan's friend Chris called me from California. He was wondering if we had put a slide show together and if he could help. UHM, YES!!! I told him he was like manna from heaven and an answer to my prayers. I spent 15 minutes sending him the pictures that Kristi {Jen's best friend} had gathered for me and the music and he did the ENTIRE slide show. It was such a huge blessing for me, and I have no idea how I would have done it without his help. Thank you so much Chris!!!

Here is a copy of the program, once again, it turned out beautiful.

Here are the memorial videos that Chris put together, they are perfect. Thank you Chris from the bottom of my heart.

I love you Jen. I can't believe you are gone. I miss your spunk and southern drawl. Until we meet Again!

After the Funeral

I don't really remember anything significant after the funeral. I was done. I was exhausted and I couldn't physically handle much more. We met at dad's church building for a family dinner. There were about 100 of our immediate family and close friends. It was busy and noisy and I was done with everything that day. I had been through so much in the last few weeks and I felt like I had reached the limit of my capacity for dealing with everything.

I do remember this AWESOME Dr. Pepper stand that we made, and the thank you's that we handed out to everyone who has done SO much for us! THANK YOU!!

 During the dinner we realized that we needed to go back over to the Stake Center and get all of the stuff we had used for the displays. It was sort of a relief to need to go do something and leave for a few minutes. After we cleaned everything up, we went back to the church for a few family pictures.  {We're missing a few people, since we were having a guinea pig emergency right during the middle of them, another story!}

The Jenson Family

The McDonald Family

The Jason Club

The Robert Jenson Family

Someone asked me what I was going to do after the dinner and I said I was going to go to my mom's house and plop myself on her couch and not move the rest of the night. I told them they were welcome to come if they wanted, but that I wasn't moving!! {and I didn't, all night long!}

The next morning it was time to start saying good-bye. Oh man, I can't handle much more. I was truly exhausted and had to drag myself out of bed. I was sad and depressed and didn't want to say good-bye to everyone, but I wanted to take a few pictures, so once again, I drug myself out of bed, I got dressed and got ready to take a few pictures and I tried to put on a smile. {I realize now that I look at these pictures that I really look awful, these days are just so dang hard!}

I wanted a picture with both of my grandmothers. I don't know how much longer they will live and I don't know when the next time I will see them, so I wanted to make sure I had a picture. Life is short, I've learned that the hard way. I don't want to have any regrets!!

Grandma McDonald, Liberty and Grandma Jenson

Aunt Danielle, Liberty, Aunt Deanna - Dad's sisters

Liberty, Aunt Karri, Dad and Grandma Jenson

Aunt Tammie and Liberty

That afternoon all I wanted to do was go back up to the cemetery. I think I knew that I wasn't going to be in Utah for very long and I wanted to go as many times as I could. I also needed to see the site with the casket in the ground. Dad, Ryan, Jason and I all went up to see the graveside. I was sad that all the flowers were already dead. {It was FREEZING!}.  I love the site and I love the mountains in the background.

That evening we decided to go see the lights at the Riverwoods. I wasn't sure I wanted to go and I wasn't sure if I could handle it, but I decided that I needed to get out of the house for a few minutes, so we went. {and it was fun!}

Thenen we had to say good-bye to some more family.

Jason Morris Family and the Cameron Family at 

Ryan, Liberty and Dad

Sunday we got up and started the "firsts". The first time going to church without her. We've been to church for months without her, she had been to sick to go, but it was the first time that we had been to church since she died. Thankfully we were there together and we all kept it together pretty well for sacrament meeting. {that was all we could handle for the first time!}

Dad, Liberty, Haylee, Kaitlyn, Tanner and Jason

For the next few days we were all kind of in a haze. We worked on getting the blankets ready to deliver and we got everything ready for Thanksgiving!!