THE BRACELET

I want to tell you a story. A story about grace, forgiveness, love and a tender mercy from a loving Heavenly Father. A Story about listening to the holy ghost. Several weeks before mother's day, I had the impression that I should send a gift to my sister and my sister-in-laws for mother's day. We've all had a hard few years and I felt like I needed to so something special. I've never sent gifts to them before, but this seemed important.

Jennifer and I hadn't talked to each other for several months. You see, back last fall we got into it with each other. We were both grieving the loss of our mothers. She was living in my mom's house. We are both type A personalities and wanted to be in charge. It was a storm destined to happen.

BUT, the impression would not leave me. So, I ordered a bracelet for each of them, with their kids birthstones, and angel wings for those we have lost. I sent them all on the same day. The day they arrived one of my sister-in-laws posted about receiving hers and Jennifer saw the post and knew that she wouldn't be getting one from me. But, later that day, she opened her mailbox to find that I had sent her one. She emailed me immediately, and told me that she burst into tears when she opened it. After a few emails back and forth, we were able to agree that we would start over. I never got to talk to her again after those few emails.

The morning my dad called to tell me that she had passes away, I KNEW immediately that what I thought was just a bracelet, was a tender mercy from a loving Heavenly Father who knew that Jennifer was going to be leaving us and knew that I needed to make things right.

During her funeral, I physically felt her sit down next to me and tell me that she had forgiven me, that we were "cool with each other" and that my brother Ryan needed me to be a part of his life. That's just the way she was. All was forgiven.

My plea to you is this, forgive those who you are struggling with. Let go of the past. Move forward with love. Don't let it take a death or sickness to let go of the pain. Time on earth is short. We never know how many days we have left. Live each day with love and gratitude. Don't let hate and anger ruin those relationships that should be most important.

I love my family, we've been through hell and back and I don't know what I would do without them all. Love is always the answer.

GRADUATION 2017

And then, after one of the most emotional and trying weeks I've had, it was GRADUATION for my sweet boy. I put all of the other stress and pain aside and celebrated HIM! I'm so proud of him and his accomplishments!! He had the best year, his report card was the best it's been since Freshman Year. He is happy and full of life. He still complained about going to school, but he went and he did what he needed to do. I'm SO PROUD of him!!

A few hours before the ceremony, they moved us inside because of the threat of thunderstorms and a huge storm. It was SO hot outside and it was probably better that we were inside in the AC.

The madrigal choir sang the Stars Spangled Banner and it was AWESOME!! I wish I had recorded it!

The A Capella Choir sang Depart in Peace and the Alma Mater, they were both great also!

There was one speaker. The district had one speaker. And then the graduates walked....over 600 of them in about 30 minutes. The entire ceremony was 1 hour and 15 minutes. It was PERFECT!!

And just like that, we have a GRADUATE!!!

Tanner and Shannon

And then I turned around and saw the most beautiful Angel Rays shining from heaven. Oh mamma, you were here with me. You were at graduation and you were with me while I celebrated my boy. I know dad wanted to come so bad. I just felt like after everything that had happened that Ryan needed him  more than I did this weekend. I'm so grateful that you were with me.

I took Shannon and Tanner to Olive Garden for dinner and dessert to celebrate! And then I came home to get ready for his party.

The next day was his party. I spent all day getting ready and decorating. He had such a good turn out. SO many friends came to congratulate him. Bill and Karri even drove from Pennsylvania to celebrate with him. It was a wonderful day to celebrate his accomplishments!!

I love you bud, I am so proud of you.

Benjamin, Stephen and Tanner

After the party, Stephen took Tanner and Shannon to dinner and Bill and Karri and I went to Portillos.... you can't come to Chicago and not have a Chicago dog! Right Bill?

I LOVE you for coming to celebrate my boy. I love that you would jump in your car and come be with us. I love that I felt like a little piece of mamma was with me today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

You can't make this stuff up.....

And just hours after the funeral was over, we got a phone call from the Dominican Republic that Skylar McDonald is having hernia surgery at 8am tomorrow morning. (Nope, I am not kidding). 

I could not sleep that night. I was so anxious for him. I posted this on Facebook: 

"My heart is constantly heavy. I've been up thinking and praying for this amazing brother of mine who should be having surgery right now in the Dominican Republic. Because God is aware, and we are never alone, it is no coincidence that my dad's neighbors are serving right now as medical missionaries over the entire Caribbean islands and they will be with him this morning. You know that if we could, every one of us would be there with him.I'm grateful to know that his mom is watching over him, but dang it, he shouldn't have to be having surgery in a foreign place without his family surrounding him to help him through it. I have no doubt his mission mom and the Olsen's will take good care of him. God is aware of us, and he won't leave us to do this alone."

I got up early and went up to the cemetery and laid on my mamma's headstone and sobbed and cried for 2 hours. I missed her so much. I was hurting and in pain and I didn't know how much more stress and heartbreak I could handle. My heart was breaking for my brother, for his 4 kids. For Brett and Heather and the loss of their baby, for Skylar alone in the DR, for my dad who had to deal with so much stress and heartache, for my sister who is struggling with her ridiculous ex. For my own son who is struggling with his father and his faith. For my own loneliness and pain of being divorced and my marriage not working out. For all the trials and sorrows we've been through in the last 2 years. My heart was overflowing and I just couldn't stop the tears. I didn't even try. I just sobbed and cried. 

I know my mamma was with me. I know she was holding me. I know that she is close. I know that God is aware of me, of our family, or our struggles, of our faith. I know that he does not give us more than we can handle WITH HIM and HIS SON. I know that I have grown and been strengthened in the last two years in ways that I would have never been strengthened without these trials. I know that God loves me and that he has a plan for me. I KNOW that I will see my mamma again. I know that the Plan of Salvation is real and that we will be Together Forever as a family. 

But right now, this earth life feels REALLY, really hard!! 

Utah, A Funeral, Family and Trials

I don't know how we made it through the last week. I don't know how it's possible that it's only been a week. It feels like it's been at least 6 months.

Monday, May 29th, dad called to tell us that Jennifer had passed away. We still don't even know exactly what happened, but we find comfort in the plan of salvation and eternal life.

Tuesday afternoon we got a text from Brett and Heather that they had lost their baby at 19 weeks pregnant. They were going to have to wait to do a DandC, but about an hour later her water broke and they headed to the hospital. She pushed one time and the baby was born. Another little boy. They named him Bronson Theodore McDonald. After the delivery, the placenta and afterbirth did not deliver, so she had to have surgery to remove it and she lost a lot of blood so they kept her overnight to make sure she was ok.

I got Brett's text while I was at work on Tuesday and I was SO ANGRY. I burst into tears and started getting so mad, How could God expect so much of our family? How could he ask us to do more? How could he take Jennifer from Ryan and the kids and now Brett and Heather's baby in the same 24 hours? What did he expect from us? Our mom just died 18 months ago? I just got divorced a year ago. What was he thinking? Did he honestly think that we could handle everything He was asking us to do? Why? Seriously? Haven't we been through enough? Isn't one death this week enough for our family? My boss lovingly put his arm around me and said, "let's go home for today" and I left.

I was pretty angry driving home. I called a friend who talked me through it. I pulled into my driveway and I hadn't been sitting there more than a minute when the Elders walked by. Why were they here? I don't see them very often in my neighborhood. I got out of the car and walked toward my house. They were at my front door. They had come for me. I walked up to them and I said "Elders, I know that God sent you here at this exact moment because I need you to give me a blessing." I proceeded to spew out EVERYTHING that's happened in the last 2 years of my life through sobbing tears. (I'm sure they thought I was a crazy lady, and I'm pretty sure I'll be in some mission homecoming talk about listening to promptings or dealing with crazy people).

And then they gave me the most beautiful blessing and I felt such peace and comfort. I KNOW that God sent them to me RIGHT THEN because I needed to know that he knew me. I needed to know that he has not left us alone to deal with all of these HARD trials. I needed to feel his love personally and individually. He is walking with me. He is carrying me. He has provided a way, a Savior for me.
Thank you Elders for listening. Thank you for being obedient. You were God's hands today and you delivered a message of hope, of peace, and of love. Even in the middle of our darkest trials, there are tender mercies all around us. I am so grateful for mine today! #godisaware #helovesus #lifeishard #tendermercies #everythingishard #deathishard #griefishard #lifeisfragile

Friday morning I got up early to head to Utah. I still could not believe that I was going to Utah for another Funeral. It's surreal.

I got to Utah and spent a few minutes with Ryan and his kids before we had to go to the Mortuary. Dang it, look at these cute faces. My heart is breaking for them.

They we met as a family at the mortuary. Ryan and dad decided to go in first so that Ryan could have some time with her. They were gone for a very long time and I'm sure it was so hard for them both. Then the rest of us went in to see her body and to spend some time together. It was a special sacred time. I've learned that this time while funerals are being planned and their body is being prepared is a very sacred and special time. The veil is very thin and angels are close. It is humbling to be a part of.

Ryan decided on a casket that was black and you could write on it with sharpie markers. It was very therapeutic for all of us. It was just what we needed to be able to write messages to her, the kids needed to draw her pictures, they needed to feel a connection. It was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen and I totally want one at my funeral. {so everyone remember!!}

  

Haylee took this picture of me and Kylee. It breaks my heart and gives me chills all at the same time. I pulled sweet Kylee towards me and told her that I KNEW exactly how she felt. I too have stood looking into the casket of my sweet mamma. I know it's one of the hardest things I've ever done and I'm much older than she is....I can't imagine losing my mom at such a young age. But, one of the most important lessons I have learned the last two years is that we are placed in each other's lives for a reason. We have challenges and struggles and trials so that we can help others through theirs, and they can help us through ours. Kylee, your mamma loves you. She will be with you, she will watch over you. She will be there on the most important days of your life. You will feel her. You will see her hand in your life. She will never leave you.This I know, because my mamma is always with me.

After the mortuary, Heather and I took all the older granddaughters to get their nails done. {Thank you Grandpa!} It was so fun to go to mamma's nail place and to spend a few minutes together doing something besides planning for a funeral and thinking of how Ryan is going to move forward.

The next day was the funeral. I got up early to curl all the girls hair and get all of the kids ready. They looked so cute in their new clothes with their flowers in their hair.

Lots of friends and family came to support Ryan and the kids. It was so beautiful to see all of the love poured out on them.  These are the flowers that the siblings sent Ryan and the kids. They are beautiful.

The funeral was beautiful. The service was perfect. The speakers were just right and the music was perfect for Jennifer. It was amazing how it was so different than mom's and yet so perfect for Jen. On the way to the cemetery, the hearse went through the Quick Quack Car Wash. Jennifer worked for them and it was the perfect tribute to her. She would have LOVED it!!! I'm sure she was there watching over us as we cheered and smiled at the love of those she worked for.

When we pulled into the cemetery, the Quick Quack float was sitting out front. Jennifer hadn't seen it yet, but it was a perfect welcome for her when we got to the cemetery. Once again, she would have LOVED it.

This is Matt, the director of Utah Valley Mortuary and he was AMAZING!!!! Very highly recommend them if you ever need their services. Thank you Matt!!

It is so humbling to see my brothers once again standing over a casket. It is hard to understand why we have been asked to do this again. They all have so much strength and are such a support to each other. I love them so much.

The cemetery did a dove release, which was SO cool. They released 33 doves for Jennifer. She would have loved to see it. Then we did a balloon release. Oh Jen, how are you really gone?

Here are some of my favorite pictures from the cemetery. The casket looked so cool with love written all over it.

Oh how much I love you and don't understand why you have to go through this. Hang in there, God has a plan for you and your children. I don't just think this, I KNOW this. I am constantly praying for you and the kids.

The McDonald Family! What a team!! One that I am very grateful to be on.

Love this picture that Erin captured of me. Thanks Erin.

And then we went to the church for dinner and Sodalicious was there was one more reminder of sweet Jennifer! Thank you!!