THE BRACELET

I want to tell you a story. A story about grace, forgiveness, love and a tender mercy from a loving Heavenly Father. A Story about listening to the holy ghost. Several weeks before mother's day, I had the impression that I should send a gift to my sister and my sister-in-laws for mother's day. We've all had a hard few years and I felt like I needed to so something special. I've never sent gifts to them before, but this seemed important.

Jennifer and I hadn't talked to each other for several months. You see, back last fall we got into it with each other. We were both grieving the loss of our mothers. She was living in my mom's house. We are both type A personalities and wanted to be in charge. It was a storm destined to happen.

BUT, the impression would not leave me. So, I ordered a bracelet for each of them, with their kids birthstones, and angel wings for those we have lost. I sent them all on the same day. The day they arrived one of my sister-in-laws posted about receiving hers and Jennifer saw the post and knew that she wouldn't be getting one from me. But, later that day, she opened her mailbox to find that I had sent her one. She emailed me immediately, and told me that she burst into tears when she opened it. After a few emails back and forth, we were able to agree that we would start over. I never got to talk to her again after those few emails.

The morning my dad called to tell me that she had passes away, I KNEW immediately that what I thought was just a bracelet, was a tender mercy from a loving Heavenly Father who knew that Jennifer was going to be leaving us and knew that I needed to make things right.

During her funeral, I physically felt her sit down next to me and tell me that she had forgiven me, that we were "cool with each other" and that my brother Ryan needed me to be a part of his life. That's just the way she was. All was forgiven.

My plea to you is this, forgive those who you are struggling with. Let go of the past. Move forward with love. Don't let it take a death or sickness to let go of the pain. Time on earth is short. We never know how many days we have left. Live each day with love and gratitude. Don't let hate and anger ruin those relationships that should be most important.

I love my family, we've been through hell and back and I don't know what I would do without them all. Love is always the answer.

What is JOY? How do I find it?

Several years ago I was really struggling with JOY. I felt like it was one of those things I was never going to truly feel. I felt like it was what you got after you had figured everything out, after all of your trials went away, after you didn't have to suffer and struggle every day. I felt like I was never HAPPY and like JOY was something I was never going to find.

Then my life fell apart. All in the span of 2 years.

My son was diagnosed with severe depression and left the church. My mom was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. My husband lost his job. My mom passed away. My husband told me he wanted a divorce. My son wanted to live with him. I live alone. Without my mom to talk to. Without my son to take care of all the time. Without a spouse to love and support me. With only my Savior to guide my way.

AND, for the first time in my life. I have found JOY! Real. Authentic JOY!!!

How? How is that possible?

Because I have found comfort and rest in the arms of my Savior.

That doesn't mean that I am HAPPY all the time! It doesn't mean that I don't get depressed, sad, lonely and discouraged. It does mean that I know where my JOY comes from and that I know that as long as I am following God's plan for me and living his commandments, he is bound....and I will be blessed. He knows me, I am his daughter and I am wrapped in his arms of safety and peace.

I had to speak in Sacrament Meeting {see mormon.org for more information} a few weeks ago and it was such a cathartic experience. It was healing and empowering. I have uploaded a PDF version HERE if you want to read it. {It's a little on the long side} ;)

Elder Nelson says, “Saints can be happy under every circumstance. We can feel joy even while having a bad day, a bad week, or even a bad year! My dear brothers and sisters, the joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives.”

Oh how this JOY has changed my life!!

Easter #hallelujah

He is not here, He is risen!

“Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.
“But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.
"No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come.”-Joseph B Wirthlin

It's Sunday! Happy Easter!

Easter has taken on a whole new meaning this year. The life, atonement and death of the Savior have so much more purpose and give me so much hope. HE LIVES! He rose on the third day. He is alive. And because he lives. I will live again and so will my mamma. Not only that, but she will be perfect. Not sick, and bald and withered away like she was when she died, but perfect and whole and beautiful, just like I remember her. This is the good news of the gospel.  This is what Easter is all about. This is what makes Christmas important. This is why we are here. To share it. To live it. To give it to others. He Is Risen!!

The rest of the story....for now

{see the next post for the first half of the story}

The next few days were spent getting Skylar ready to leave. We had 48 hours and about 40 million things to do. We ran errands, made lists, helped pack, took care of mom and tried to keep the house all together. It was busy and crazy!!

We got up early Monday morning and went to the Provo Temple to do some sealings. It was fun to go with Skylar and get to hear the promised blessings of eternal families. It's weird, but I have never been to the Provo Temple. The Mount Timpanogos Temple was built the year that I was married, so we always went to the Mt. Timp temple and this was the first time I had ever been to Provo.

Amber left on Monday and I'm sure it was hard for them to say goodbye to each other!

Tuesday afternoon came and we had to finalize everything before he was set apart and left for the airport. {He flew on a redeye flight that left the SLC airport at 11:45pm.} The Stake President came to mom and dad's house at 5pm to set him apart. He asked mom and dad to each share their testimonies and then he asked any of us if we wanted to share something, it was a very emotional and spiritual experience for all of us. Skylar was the last one to share his testimony and he is going to be a fantastic missionary. He is so mature and so well prepared. Then is was time and he was set apart as a full time missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Dad, Mom and Skylar after his setting apart

We took some family pictures....again....I'm so proud of this kid. Man, he's such a good example to me!

And then it was time to go. Mom wasn't sure she wanted to go. She was tired and weak, but she knew that Skylar would want her to go and she is brave and strong and would do anything for her children, so she went...and it was long and hard and painful....but she went, because she's amazing!! We took a bunch more pictures and got him all checked in and met another missionary going to his same mission....we said goodbye and took more pictures and cried and prolonged it over and over....and then it was finally time....and he left....and was smiling....oh how we will miss him!!

See you in two, Elder McDonald!!

And then....I didn't know what to do. The pictures were done, Skylar was gone, mom was doing ok and what do I do now? What else do I need to do before I leave? I cleaned the house and washed all the bedding, I did all the laundry and cleaned everything I could. We had just started making some plans with a few people to come visit mom over the weekend, she was feeling pretty good and we figured her numbers would be good because she was on the last week before her next chemo treatment. {we have since learned that maybe we shouldn't make plans, every time we do something happens}

Saturday morning I was trying to finish up cleaning the house. I had just started a movie for mom on her TV and I went out to vacuum the hallway, I came back in mom's room to ask her a question and she couldn't answer me. She tried several times to answer me, but it was just mumbled. I wasn't sure what to do. Dad came over to the bed and we both tried to talk to her, but she couldn't answer either of us. We could tell that something was wrong. We called the nurse and then called Dr. Bott and he told us to get her to the ER immediately. Dad thought maybe she was dehydrated, but I was pretty sure that something more serious was wrong. So we hurried....and left. Dad and I were both pretty scared. On the way down to the ER, her lip was drooping and she couldn't talk to us at all. I was pretty sure she was having a stroke, but I've never seen one and I didn't know.

We got to the ER and they thought the same thing....and they got her back in ASAP, it was packed and every room was full, but she was moved to the top of the list. They had her in for a CT scan within about 20 minutes....and then we waited....and waited....but yes, she was having a stroke. And we would just have to wait and see, but they were going to admit her so they could monitor her over night. So we waited for a room and then they moved us to the 2nd floor, which is critical care {one step up from ICU}, so they monitor you more frequently.

I love this picture of me helping take care of mom. I hate all of this hospital stuff, but I am so much more compassionate and have so much more empathy because of this experience. I love you mom!!

They finally got her settled in her room. The bishop came to visit and Brett was there. We knew that Jeff was on his way so we waited for him to get there and then the Bishop gave mom a blessing.

About an hour after the blessing, she started talking more clearly. She was a lot more coherent, she was able to tell us how she was feeling and we knew that God had answered our prayers. By the next morning she was almost completely back to normal, the doctor asked her what percent better she was, she said 99.9% and wanted to know when she could leave the hospital!! {yep, feeling better}

Unfortunately, they wanted to run a bunch of tests to see if they could find a reason for the stroke....so she was there for 2 more days waiting for the tests and results. Poor mom. I'm so sorry!!

This was my update from Team Cindy the next morning:

Mom is doing pretty good this morning. She had a procedure this morning, they put a camera down her throat to get a better view of her heart, which she said was the most HORRIBLE thing she's ever had done! (Way worse than childbirth). She threw up the entire time and was so miserable. The bad news is she does have a hole in her heart. This is pretty common. They are trying to decide if they are going to close it while we are here. We are waiting to meet with the cardiologist and the neurologist. This is what caused the stroke, but we are grateful that she should have no long term effects. The good news is that we got the tumor marker results and her number is 88!!!! (Down from 102.4) and when we drained the fluid last night we barely could get one bag, which means that it's decreasing. The Dr. is very pleased that the chemo seems to be working!!!! We are so thankful for your prayers and fasting, the Lord hears and answers!!!

They did find a hole in her heart, but they decided that mom didn't need to procedure to close the hole in her heart. It's very small and they don't know for sure that it was the cause of the stroke, and the procedure is very expensive and it might not even make any difference. She's probably had the hole her whole life. She came home last night and was very, very worn out. She's feeling a little better today. We're meeting with the doctor tomorrow and hope to do chemo by the end of the week. I'll let you know when we decide. Thanks again for your prayers and fasting in our behalf. We are so grateful for the tender mercies of our loving Heavenly Father.

By the time we left, she was miserable and sick and tired of being poked and prodded and bothered. She just wanted to sleep {something they don't let you do at the hospital!}

We didn't know that they were going to send her home so quick on Monday night, so Jeff and I went up to Bridal Veil Falls for a picnic and to take some pictures, but the time we got home, Amber and Dad had brought mom home. I took some fun pictures of Kaitlyn while we were up there. It's so pretty in the mountains!!

Mom was only home for a day before we had to go back to meet with Dr. Bott. It's always something.

Thankfully the chemo is on it's way and we are so grateful for yet another tender mercy from our loving Heavenly Father. We are so blessed to be able to receive the chemo that we need for mom's treatment. It is such a huge blessing for us.  She did great at chemo today. I decided to stay home and clean the house while Dad took her for the treatment. I had several of mom's friends come to the house and help me and we got the whole house cleaned in just over an hour. {Thank you!!}

I had to get ready to go home the next day. I wasn't sure I was prepared to go home. I knew I couldn't stay, but I wasn't sure I was ready to move on with life while mom's so sick.  Before I left, Haylee and I had a good time taking some pictures....she even did a pretty good job taking some of me!!

And then it was time to go....and I'm sad and hurt and I hate all of this!!!!

I've traveled WAY more this summer than I've ever traveled in my life. I've had more stress and worry and fear this summer than any time in my life. I've wondered and worried and prayed and cried. I've had to do things I never wanted to do, I've had to talk about things I've never wanted to talk about. It's scary and painful and not at all fair. But, I've never once asked "why me", "why us", because honestly, "why not us"?

Trials are a part of life. Trials make us who we are. Trails shape us and mold us into the beings that our Father in Heaven wants us to become. I would not be the person that I am today without the trials that I have been through. I know what it's like to be a struggling young wanna-be-mom who wants nothing more than to have her own child. I know what it's like to literally fall on my knees and beg my Father in Heaven for the gift of a child in my life. I know the pain of 10 years of not receiving the answer to that prayer. I know the pain of addiction and the harm it does to your marriage and family. I know how hard it is to struggle without employment and not know from month to month how to make the money we have stretch to be enough.

I know the pain of your only child turning away from everything you believe to be true. I struggle with feelings of worthlessness and depression, because I am his mother and I should be enough. I struggle to be good enough each day. I know the pain of rejection.  I know the pain of watching my mom face the worst kind of pain and suffering that I've ever seen. I know how horrible cancer and chemotherapy are on the human body. I  know what it's like to fall on my knees again and beg that the answer to this prayer is different. I know pain and heartache.

BUT, because of these same trials, I am full of compassion and empathy for the young struggling wanna-be-mom who wants nothing more than to have her own child. I wish I could tell her that God has a plan and that she can be happy even if she never has a child, that through the atonement of our Savior, she can find peace and joy. I wish I could tell her that she is enough. Just because she is God's daughter. I wish I could tell her there is a reason for her trial of infertility. Because of these trials, I know that our prayers are answered, even when they are not answered the way that we think they should be. I received the Saviors loving arms around me and healing to my broken heart when no other children we meant to come to our family.

Because of these trials, I know that through the atonement of our Savior you can overcome addition. You can be healed. You can repent for anything and he will forgive. Because of His atonement, I know that I can forgive and that I can move forward with peace and joy. Because of these trials, I have learned that when you faithfully pay your tithing, the Lord is bound and he will take care of your needs. When you trust in his law and have faith in his perfect plan, he will not leave you to "fend for yourself". He will provide and he will protect you. He will not take all of the trials from you, but he will direct you to answers you wouldn't have otherwise thought of.

Because of these trials, I have learned that our agency is a gift from a loving Heavenly Father. I have learned that I can love my son even when he isn't doing exactly what I want him to do. I have learned unconditional love. I have learned that forcing was satan's plan and that my example is more important than any words I could ever say to him. Because of these trials I have learned that I am enough. I have learned that I don't have to worry about doing anything to be enough. I am enough because I am His. I don't have to produce something or be something to prove my worth. I have learned to lean on my husband and to talk to him when I need comfort.

Because of these trials I have learned that His tender mercies are real. I have learned that it's ok to take one day at a time and not to borrow worry from tomorrow. I have learned to talk about how I feel when I am stressed out. I have learned that it's ok to break down and cry and have a tantrum, as long as I get back up and move forward with faith. I have learned that the Plan of Salvation and Eternal Life is real. I know that we will see our loved ones again. Because of these trials, I have really thought about my testimony and I know that we will all live together in the eternities. I have learned that we have eternity to figure this all out and that I don't have to know everything right now. I have learned that I can lean on my Savior and that He will always be there for me. I have learned that he is faithful and steadfast and the same yesterday, today and forever.

I have learned that people are good. I have learned that people care and love and are touched by so many different things. I have learned that we are all here on the earth to help each other and to be a part of each others' lives. I have learned that none of us are alone in our journey here. I have learned that those who have struggled through trials are prepared to be there for us when we are struggling. Because they know.  I have learned the power of prayer and fasting. I have learned to be specific when I pray. I have learned the power of the spending time in the temple and the temple prayer roll. I have learned to lean on the power of priesthood blessings and to ask for them when I need extra strength.

I have learned to have compassion for those who are struggling with so many trials all at one time. I have learned that the only way we can have the strength to endure is through the Grace of God. I have learned to listen and to feel. I have learned that I don't need to fix everything. I have learned to be still. I have learned that when I take a deep breath, when I stop and clear my mind, when I feel his spirit and trust his plan that ALL is well. That I am wrapped in his arms and that I am safe. He knows me. I am his daughter. He wants me to be happy, he wants me to progress. He sent me these trials to shape me into the person that I am becoming. He sees so much more in me that I can see in myself. And in the end, it will all be ok. Because of Him, I am saved from my sins and shortcomings. Because of Him, I can be made whole. Because of Him, I will live with my family through all eternity. Because of Him, all that is unfair will be made right.

And because of these trials, I have learned that I am a very different person. A much better person. So, "why not me"?

MoTab at Ravinia

The Mormon Tabernacle Choir came to Ravinia in Chicago. It was such a fun night with our ward family. We took a picnic lunch and went to the venue early to help save spots for our ward to sit together. We had a great night. {the weather forecast that morning was 70% rain and thunderstorms}. It was perfect! No rain at all!!

We couldn't really "SEE" the choir {unless we walked over to the pavillion}, but it was wonderful to listen to them sing. It was an inspiring night of beautiful music!