What is JOY? How do I find it?

Several years ago I was really struggling with JOY. I felt like it was one of those things I was never going to truly feel. I felt like it was what you got after you had figured everything out, after all of your trials went away, after you didn't have to suffer and struggle every day. I felt like I was never HAPPY and like JOY was something I was never going to find.

Then my life fell apart. All in the span of 2 years.

My son was diagnosed with severe depression and left the church. My mom was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. My husband lost his job. My mom passed away. My husband told me he wanted a divorce. My son wanted to live with him. I live alone. Without my mom to talk to. Without my son to take care of all the time. Without a spouse to love and support me. With only my Savior to guide my way.

AND, for the first time in my life. I have found JOY! Real. Authentic JOY!!!

How? How is that possible?

Because I have found comfort and rest in the arms of my Savior.

That doesn't mean that I am HAPPY all the time! It doesn't mean that I don't get depressed, sad, lonely and discouraged. It does mean that I know where my JOY comes from and that I know that as long as I am following God's plan for me and living his commandments, he is bound....and I will be blessed. He knows me, I am his daughter and I am wrapped in his arms of safety and peace.

I had to speak in Sacrament Meeting {see mormon.org for more information} a few weeks ago and it was such a cathartic experience. It was healing and empowering. I have uploaded a PDF version HERE if you want to read it. {It's a little on the long side} ;)

Elder Nelson says, “Saints can be happy under every circumstance. We can feel joy even while having a bad day, a bad week, or even a bad year! My dear brothers and sisters, the joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives.”

Oh how this JOY has changed my life!!

My New Place

I decided to take some good pictures with my good camera now that I'm mostly done decorating my new house. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude for everyone who helped me get moved into my new place, gave me furniture, helped me unpack, helped me decorate and made me feel so loved. I am loving my new place and am so grateful for the blessings I have received!

A New Chapter

And now, we start a new chapter in both of our lives. A new normal. A new schedule. New issues. Visitation and scheduling time to see Tanner. It's strange and surreal, but I still know we made the right decision.

Wednesday morning we went to court. I was running late and then got stuck in traffic and I was freaking out by the time I got to the courthouse. (Jason was already there and I had talked to him that morning and told him I was on my way.) I had to park, run to the courthouse, get through security, run to the room and then after all my freaking out and panic, we sat and waited and waited for the judge to come in the room. I started crying as soon as we sat down in the courtroom. I knew I needed to pull it together before the judge came in, and I took a few deep breaths and tried to settle down.

The judge came in and they called another divorce case before us. I was so grateful that we would have a chance to see someone else stand up in front of the judge first. Then it was our turn. We stood in front of the judge, answered the questions, and dissolved our 20 year marriage with one signature. It was very strange. I was very calm and peaceful and felt so much strength in the courtroom.

We had to wait for an hour or so to get our paperwork, so Jason and I went to get something to eat at the cafeteria. {I know it's strange that we went and ate together, but we really are friends and we get along better now than we have in several years}.  Jason grabbed a diet coke out of the cooler and handed it to me, this label was facing right at me and I KNEW in that instant that my mamma was there with me. {I had been praying that I would feel her}.

I was overcome with emotion and started crying. I knew that I had made the right choice. I knew that I was doing what was best for me. I knew that I would find peace and joy and that even though it's hard to be alone and it's hard to think about the future alone, I know that God is aware of me. He knows my struggles, my trials, my heart, my disappointment, my fear, my feelings of failure. He knows and He will not leave me to struggle alone.

We ate breakfast and then went and waited for the clerk to have our paperwork ready. It is so strange how quick, easy and emotionless it was to file for a divorce. It's crazy that after 20 years of marriage, we are not married anymore. It's a very strange feeling. I haven't even gotten to the point that I can call him my ex-husband yet. We left and went our separate ways, we both had to go to work. I left the courthouse, but realized after a few minutes that I didn't get a picture, so I turned around and went back to take a picture of the courthouse.

So, on to the new life. Single. No longer married to Jason. But always a part of his life. I am so grateful for all of the love and support we have felt for each other. We have been able to agree on everything and make it all work out the best way for Tanner. He is the most important and we are both working really hard to make sure he knows that we both love him no matter what.

I am so grateful for all of my friends who have been so generous and supportive and helped me get moved into my new house and get unpacked and get it all set up. I LOVE it! It's adorable and more than I could have ever imagined when I thought about moving out. I have been so incredibly blessed to be able to figure out everything I needed to have and have so much support.

I feel like I have been so blessed and protected. I feel like God has opened up the windows of heaven and poured blessings down on me. I feel so fortunate that even though the outcome wasn't what either of us would have planned, we are both so much happier and better off now.

Yesterday I went to the temple. I thought that I would cry and be upset the entire time, but once again God was there with me. I happened to sit right next to an older lady who lives in our stake. She has been divorced. She is now remarried and in a much better situation. I just kept thinking about her the entire time. I kept feeling so much peace and love. I know that God has a plan for me, that I will have a marvelous future and that I will find love and joy once again. I felt such love and comfort in the temple yesterday. I was surprised how calm I felt. I didn't even cry. I love the blessings of the temple and the peace and joy it brings to my life.

It's been an emotional, crazy week, but I am confident that God is with me. I know that mamma is watching over me and I know that I made the right choice. As hard as this week as been, and as hard as it is to move forward, I know that I will find joy and peace as I continue to follow the commandments and keep my covenants.

What a crazy few months it's been......

Wow, what a crazy few months it's been in our life. It's been some of the hardest, most trying months I've ever had, I feel like I would like to go back about 3 years and start over again, but I know that's not how life works. I know I can't start over, I can't change the course our life is taking, I can't make it all work the way that I think it should. I am heartbroken and sad, but I am filled with hope and peace so I know that the decisions we are making is the right decision for our family.

I posed this on my facebook page on May 20th. 

"It's with a heavy heart that I write this email. I am so sorry that it's in an email and not a personal phone call, but I can't go through telling it over and over again, so please accept my apology.

Jason and I are getting divorced. We have fought for 20 years to keep our marriage together, but we are both miserable and we are making Tanner miserable. We have struggled with some major things in our marriage and there is too much hurt and mistrust to be able to be together. It's not that we can't or won't forgive each other, we already have. It's that we don't want the same things anymore and we don't have each others best interests at heart.

We have prayed and prayed and I've been to the temple and I've yelled at mom to fix it and we've been to counseling and met with our bishop and done EVERYTHING that we can physically and spiritually do to fix it and it's time to move on. Heavenly Father has confirmed to all three of us {and a few other people} that this is the right choice for our family. I KNOW it's not the way that I thought my life would end up, but as we all know life doesn't always go the way we want it to.

I am planning to move into the townhouse a few doors down and live there for the next year until Tanner finishes high school. I am going to start working full time at the tax office year round and I will be able to make it on my own for now. Jason is going to stay in the house and we are going to have joint custody of Tanner so he can go back and forth and be with both of us. He is old enough to decide who he wants to live with and we are going to let that be his decision. We filed today and hope to have it final in about 6 weeks.

Please know that I will always love Jason and he will always be a part of my life. I ask that you respect him and love him and never say anything unkind about him as he is the father of my child. I will forever love him for giving me Tanner and for helping me through some of the hardest years of my life. He has decided to stop going to our church and is going to be attending a non-denominational christian church with a friend of ours and is trying to figure out who he is and what he really believes. I am proud of him for taking charge of his life and admitting that what we have is not what he wants and is not making him happy. It is one of the bravest things he has ever done. We are still good friends. We have communicated more in the last 5 days than we have in probably 10 years. I am so grateful that we are able to work out the details of our sorrow with each other and move forward with love and faith.

I love each of you so much and I know how much we have all struggled. I miss my mom every minute of everyday and I bawled like a baby when I realized that I couldn't call her and cry to her about my life falling apart. I want to share with you an experience I had in the temple on Saturday.

I left my house very angry. Jason and I had been fighting and Jason wouldn't go with me so I was not in the best spirit to even go to the temple, but I wanted to be in the temple that morning as it was the anniversary of mom's death and so I went. I cried the whole way there. When I was just about 10 minutes away my bishop called me {I had texted him when I left my house}, I talked to him for a few minutes and then he told me that Jason was calling him on the other line so I let him go and talk to Jason. I figured he would smooth things over like he has done so many times in the past and that every thing would be better when I got home.

I went into the temple and I cried for the next three hours. Big sobbing tears. I was sitting in the lobby waiting for the next session and a member of the temple presidency asked me if I wanted to sit in his office {he was probably embarrassed} then a matron came and sat with me and talked to me and let me cry. I finally went into the session and I cried the whole time. I was sobbing so hard at the veil that I could barely speak. I stumbled into the celestial room and literally fell into a chair sobbing big wracking sobs. I hadn't felt mom at all, I knew my marriage was a mess, I was angry at Jason for not being there, I knew that Tanner was so sick and tired of us fighting and not being able to support him, I was just a mess. A lady came up and gave me a hug and said, "I don't know what you're going through, but your Heavenly Father does and he wants me to tell you that he loves you and that it will all be ok".

I felt her love, but more importantly, I felt the love of my Heavenly Father. As I sat there bawling my eyes out, it was suddenly like the room was filled with light and I felt a physical warmth shining in from the ceiling stained glass window. I felt it beating on me like the light from heaven. {It wasn't the sun because it was cold and rainy on Saturday} Then I felt a breeze blow past me as if I was standing outside on a windy day and I knew in that moment that mom was there beside me, that she was with me, that she had come to hold me. My heart instantly settled and I felt her tell me that everything was going to be ok. That no matter what happened, God loved me and that everything was going to work out just how it was supposed to. I left the temple feeling so full of light and love. I cried happy tears the whole way home and knew that God was going to get me through and that we were going to be able to fix everything. I felt such relief.

I walked in the house and Jason met me with "I'm done. I'm tired of this. We are not happy and I've decided that it's time for us to get divorced." My heart shattered. I had just felt such love and peace and wondered why would God give me that experience in the temple if it wasn't meant to work out. I tried to beg and plead, I cried some more, I prayed, I yelled. {it wasn't pretty}.

But, this is why. Because God loves each one of us individually and he knew that I needed to feel his love that morning. We all struggle. We all have hard things to deal with in our lives, sometimes struggles that no one else even knows about, but God never leaves us to struggle alone. NEVER. He loves us in a way that we can't even comprehend. As I have prayed and struggled for the last 5 days to make peace with my life, I have felt his calming assuring love more than I've felt since the nights I was sitting by mom's side as she prepared to leave this earth life. The veil has been very thin. I know that he understands my pain, I know that he doesn't want me to be miserable. I know that if he told me to stay and keep fighting, that I would stay and keep fighting. And I know that he has told me that I can move forward. That we can all receive the peace, happiness and joy that he has waiting for us. I know that this is the right path for our life to take, as hard as it seems to be right now.

Thank you for letting me share my heart with you. Thank you for being my friends and family. If you are struggling with anything in your life, trust God. Sometimes the right answer is not the easiest. I love you all. I hope that you will pray for our family, especially my sweet boys, they are both struggling with their testimonies and need to feel the love of God as I do. Please trust that we have wrestled and wrestled with this decision and that we truly believe that God is directing us.

It's been 2 weeks since we filed for divorce and it seems that God has opened up the windows of heaven and is pouring out blessings that I can barely receive. He is so good, he has provided so many answers to our prayers, so many blessings and more tender mercies than I can even comprehend. Yes, our family will be different. Yes, our life will be different, Yes, this is NOT what I thought would be the right answer, but I KNOW that it is the right thing for all of us right now and I am at peace that God will not leave us alone in this trail, or any other trial we will face.