My New Place

I decided to take some good pictures with my good camera now that I'm mostly done decorating my new house. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude for everyone who helped me get moved into my new place, gave me furniture, helped me unpack, helped me decorate and made me feel so loved. I am loving my new place and am so grateful for the blessings I have received!

What a crazy few months it's been......

Wow, what a crazy few months it's been in our life. It's been some of the hardest, most trying months I've ever had, I feel like I would like to go back about 3 years and start over again, but I know that's not how life works. I know I can't start over, I can't change the course our life is taking, I can't make it all work the way that I think it should. I am heartbroken and sad, but I am filled with hope and peace so I know that the decisions we are making is the right decision for our family.

I posed this on my facebook page on May 20th. 

"It's with a heavy heart that I write this email. I am so sorry that it's in an email and not a personal phone call, but I can't go through telling it over and over again, so please accept my apology.

Jason and I are getting divorced. We have fought for 20 years to keep our marriage together, but we are both miserable and we are making Tanner miserable. We have struggled with some major things in our marriage and there is too much hurt and mistrust to be able to be together. It's not that we can't or won't forgive each other, we already have. It's that we don't want the same things anymore and we don't have each others best interests at heart.

We have prayed and prayed and I've been to the temple and I've yelled at mom to fix it and we've been to counseling and met with our bishop and done EVERYTHING that we can physically and spiritually do to fix it and it's time to move on. Heavenly Father has confirmed to all three of us {and a few other people} that this is the right choice for our family. I KNOW it's not the way that I thought my life would end up, but as we all know life doesn't always go the way we want it to.

I am planning to move into the townhouse a few doors down and live there for the next year until Tanner finishes high school. I am going to start working full time at the tax office year round and I will be able to make it on my own for now. Jason is going to stay in the house and we are going to have joint custody of Tanner so he can go back and forth and be with both of us. He is old enough to decide who he wants to live with and we are going to let that be his decision. We filed today and hope to have it final in about 6 weeks.

Please know that I will always love Jason and he will always be a part of my life. I ask that you respect him and love him and never say anything unkind about him as he is the father of my child. I will forever love him for giving me Tanner and for helping me through some of the hardest years of my life. He has decided to stop going to our church and is going to be attending a non-denominational christian church with a friend of ours and is trying to figure out who he is and what he really believes. I am proud of him for taking charge of his life and admitting that what we have is not what he wants and is not making him happy. It is one of the bravest things he has ever done. We are still good friends. We have communicated more in the last 5 days than we have in probably 10 years. I am so grateful that we are able to work out the details of our sorrow with each other and move forward with love and faith.

I love each of you so much and I know how much we have all struggled. I miss my mom every minute of everyday and I bawled like a baby when I realized that I couldn't call her and cry to her about my life falling apart. I want to share with you an experience I had in the temple on Saturday.

I left my house very angry. Jason and I had been fighting and Jason wouldn't go with me so I was not in the best spirit to even go to the temple, but I wanted to be in the temple that morning as it was the anniversary of mom's death and so I went. I cried the whole way there. When I was just about 10 minutes away my bishop called me {I had texted him when I left my house}, I talked to him for a few minutes and then he told me that Jason was calling him on the other line so I let him go and talk to Jason. I figured he would smooth things over like he has done so many times in the past and that every thing would be better when I got home.

I went into the temple and I cried for the next three hours. Big sobbing tears. I was sitting in the lobby waiting for the next session and a member of the temple presidency asked me if I wanted to sit in his office {he was probably embarrassed} then a matron came and sat with me and talked to me and let me cry. I finally went into the session and I cried the whole time. I was sobbing so hard at the veil that I could barely speak. I stumbled into the celestial room and literally fell into a chair sobbing big wracking sobs. I hadn't felt mom at all, I knew my marriage was a mess, I was angry at Jason for not being there, I knew that Tanner was so sick and tired of us fighting and not being able to support him, I was just a mess. A lady came up and gave me a hug and said, "I don't know what you're going through, but your Heavenly Father does and he wants me to tell you that he loves you and that it will all be ok".

I felt her love, but more importantly, I felt the love of my Heavenly Father. As I sat there bawling my eyes out, it was suddenly like the room was filled with light and I felt a physical warmth shining in from the ceiling stained glass window. I felt it beating on me like the light from heaven. {It wasn't the sun because it was cold and rainy on Saturday} Then I felt a breeze blow past me as if I was standing outside on a windy day and I knew in that moment that mom was there beside me, that she was with me, that she had come to hold me. My heart instantly settled and I felt her tell me that everything was going to be ok. That no matter what happened, God loved me and that everything was going to work out just how it was supposed to. I left the temple feeling so full of light and love. I cried happy tears the whole way home and knew that God was going to get me through and that we were going to be able to fix everything. I felt such relief.

I walked in the house and Jason met me with "I'm done. I'm tired of this. We are not happy and I've decided that it's time for us to get divorced." My heart shattered. I had just felt such love and peace and wondered why would God give me that experience in the temple if it wasn't meant to work out. I tried to beg and plead, I cried some more, I prayed, I yelled. {it wasn't pretty}.

But, this is why. Because God loves each one of us individually and he knew that I needed to feel his love that morning. We all struggle. We all have hard things to deal with in our lives, sometimes struggles that no one else even knows about, but God never leaves us to struggle alone. NEVER. He loves us in a way that we can't even comprehend. As I have prayed and struggled for the last 5 days to make peace with my life, I have felt his calming assuring love more than I've felt since the nights I was sitting by mom's side as she prepared to leave this earth life. The veil has been very thin. I know that he understands my pain, I know that he doesn't want me to be miserable. I know that if he told me to stay and keep fighting, that I would stay and keep fighting. And I know that he has told me that I can move forward. That we can all receive the peace, happiness and joy that he has waiting for us. I know that this is the right path for our life to take, as hard as it seems to be right now.

Thank you for letting me share my heart with you. Thank you for being my friends and family. If you are struggling with anything in your life, trust God. Sometimes the right answer is not the easiest. I love you all. I hope that you will pray for our family, especially my sweet boys, they are both struggling with their testimonies and need to feel the love of God as I do. Please trust that we have wrestled and wrestled with this decision and that we truly believe that God is directing us.

It's been 2 weeks since we filed for divorce and it seems that God has opened up the windows of heaven and is pouring out blessings that I can barely receive. He is so good, he has provided so many answers to our prayers, so many blessings and more tender mercies than I can even comprehend. Yes, our family will be different. Yes, our life will be different, Yes, this is NOT what I thought would be the right answer, but I KNOW that it is the right thing for all of us right now and I am at peace that God will not leave us alone in this trail, or any other trial we will face.

You're having Gallbladder Surgery!!

While I was at the Paper Doll House Jason texted me that he wasn’t feeling good and that he thought he needed to go to the ER. (I was a little surprised because he had been fine when I left and just a few hours ago). He said he’d been feeling bad for a couple hours and that it was so bad that he couldn’t get any relief. He left our house around midnight & drove himself to the ER at Good Samaritan. I didn’t know what to do so I waited for a few minutes and then drove to the ER to meet him there. The PDH is about an hour away from the hospital so it was a long drive for me. Luckily I was able to talk to a few people while I was driving so that I didn’t have to stress out the entire time I drove there!! I got to the hospital at 1:30am and he was still in a ton of pain. He said it was a 15 on a scale of 1-10!! They gave him 2 different kinds of pain meds, but it wasn’t giving him any relief. He was in so much pain and I felt bad that there was nothing that was helping. After an ultrasound and a CT Scan they decided to admit him to do more testing and probably surgery to remove his gallbladder.

After a night of more pain and no relief, Jason was tired of feeling so awful. He couldn’t eat anything or drink any water because they didn’t know if he was going to have to have surgery so all he could have were pink sponges to wet his mouth. {he was really funny with them on pain meds too!}

They scheduled him for a HIDA Scan at 2:30pm because he had to go 6 to 8 hours without being on any pain meds before he could have the scan. They didn’t come get him for the test until 4pm and it took until about 6:30pm to get any results. They weren’t even able to get the dye into his gallbladder because it was so blocked and full of stones so they decided that he needed to have surgery.

They scheduled it for noon the next day and I decided to come home and get some sleep so that I could go back to the hospital the next day. I was dead asleep at 8am the next morning when he called me to tell me that they were there to take him to surgery. I hurried and got up and went to the hospital. I got there about 8:45. {that’s a record for me}. I was just starting to get worried a little before 10am when the doctor finally came out and told me that he was done and that they would call me when he was in recovery. He told me that his gallbladder was VERY infected and full of stones. He was surprised that he hasn’t had more problems with it before now. It was only 45 minutes or so before they told me he was back in his room and that I could go back and see him. I was relieved to finally see him and talk to him.  The worst part about being at the hospital is they have NO Diet Coke! NONE!! I had to settle for a Diet Cherry Pepsi until Sara brought me a real diet coke from McDonalds. {Thank you Sara!}. Jason was feeling much better. He had lunch and then was able to go home about 5pm!

Skylar Visits Chicago

Long before I knew that I was going to be going home for the entire Summer, we made plans to have Skylar come out and visit us for a week so that he could see Jason and Tanner before he left for his mission in the Dominican Republic. I had only been home about a week when he came to visit. We went to Portillos {twice}, went downtown Chicago, went to a Cubs game, ate lots of good food, helped our friends move, took missionary pictures and had a good time visiting.

I haven't finished all the pages from his visit....so here are a few of his missionary pictures, he is going to be such a good missionary, I'm so proud of him!!

It's FREEZING! {actually it's WAY below freezing!}

I just need to document the cold frozen tundra for the future....Here are a few pictures of the weather in these parts.

 

I've just about had enough of this winter....it's been LONG, COLD, SNOWY and did I say LONG?? Technically, we're not even 1/2 way through!!

It's supposed to be well below zero again tonight. School has already been canceled. It's probably going to be canceled on Tuesday. {it's supposed to be just as cold}. We've already had two "cold" days since January 1st. We've only ever had ONE other snow day the entire time we've lived here. {13 years}.

This is the forecast for this week: {anyone wanna come visit, look at the real feel for tomorrow night -47!}

Here is a scrapbook page I made of the Polar Vortex of 2014 {this was round 1}

Echo Park Wintertime Kit and Yin Template

EIGHTEEN YEARS!!!!!

WOW! That seems like SO long sometimes and other times I can't believe it's really been 18 years!!

Jason and I planned a fun weekend. We went to the Bookfield Zoo to see the Holiday Lights on Friday night. {Tanner slept over at his friends house, so he wasn't with us}.

We loved seeing the animals and the lights. It was the perfect night, still in the 40's and beautiful.

We might have taken a few pictures of us together....

I LOVED the giraffes. They got SO close to us because the zookeeper came to feed them while we were there and they all came right over to the fence. It was cool. I don't know why I love them so much, they are just cool.

We also saw a 2 month old baby gorilla. She was SOOOO tiny and so cute.

We walked around and saw the lights and then watched the lazer light show. We were pretty much ready by the time it was dark so we left right after the light show.

Saturday morning we got up early and went downtown Chicago to "The Bongo Room" for breakfast. It was SOOOO yummy! One of the BEST breakfasts ever!

After breakfast we went downtown to see the Bean. {Jason has never been there before today}.

The sun was AMAZING....it was 50 degrees and I could have just stood there all day and soaked in the sun! It felt amazing! I needed the time with Jason and the sunshine. It was such a good day for both of us. {I think we might have gone a little selfie crazy}.

After the bean, we walked over to Macy's to see the giant tree. It was BEAUTIFUL. We asked a lady to take a picture of us and I LOVE how it turned out.

Isn't the tree AMAZING????

We finally decided we were done being in the city, but we made sure to walk as much as we could down State street and soak in some more sun. It was such a beautiful, fun day being together and spending time with each other.

Happy Anniversary Babe.

MoTab at Ravinia

The Mormon Tabernacle Choir came to Ravinia in Chicago. It was such a fun night with our ward family. We took a picnic lunch and went to the venue early to help save spots for our ward to sit together. We had a great night. {the weather forecast that morning was 70% rain and thunderstorms}. It was perfect! No rain at all!!

We couldn't really "SEE" the choir {unless we walked over to the pavillion}, but it was wonderful to listen to them sing. It was an inspiring night of beautiful music!