A New Chapter

And now, we start a new chapter in both of our lives. A new normal. A new schedule. New issues. Visitation and scheduling time to see Tanner. It's strange and surreal, but I still know we made the right decision.

Wednesday morning we went to court. I was running late and then got stuck in traffic and I was freaking out by the time I got to the courthouse. (Jason was already there and I had talked to him that morning and told him I was on my way.) I had to park, run to the courthouse, get through security, run to the room and then after all my freaking out and panic, we sat and waited and waited for the judge to come in the room. I started crying as soon as we sat down in the courtroom. I knew I needed to pull it together before the judge came in, and I took a few deep breaths and tried to settle down.

The judge came in and they called another divorce case before us. I was so grateful that we would have a chance to see someone else stand up in front of the judge first. Then it was our turn. We stood in front of the judge, answered the questions, and dissolved our 20 year marriage with one signature. It was very strange. I was very calm and peaceful and felt so much strength in the courtroom.

We had to wait for an hour or so to get our paperwork, so Jason and I went to get something to eat at the cafeteria. {I know it's strange that we went and ate together, but we really are friends and we get along better now than we have in several years}.  Jason grabbed a diet coke out of the cooler and handed it to me, this label was facing right at me and I KNEW in that instant that my mamma was there with me. {I had been praying that I would feel her}.

I was overcome with emotion and started crying. I knew that I had made the right choice. I knew that I was doing what was best for me. I knew that I would find peace and joy and that even though it's hard to be alone and it's hard to think about the future alone, I know that God is aware of me. He knows my struggles, my trials, my heart, my disappointment, my fear, my feelings of failure. He knows and He will not leave me to struggle alone.

We ate breakfast and then went and waited for the clerk to have our paperwork ready. It is so strange how quick, easy and emotionless it was to file for a divorce. It's crazy that after 20 years of marriage, we are not married anymore. It's a very strange feeling. I haven't even gotten to the point that I can call him my ex-husband yet. We left and went our separate ways, we both had to go to work. I left the courthouse, but realized after a few minutes that I didn't get a picture, so I turned around and went back to take a picture of the courthouse.

So, on to the new life. Single. No longer married to Jason. But always a part of his life. I am so grateful for all of the love and support we have felt for each other. We have been able to agree on everything and make it all work out the best way for Tanner. He is the most important and we are both working really hard to make sure he knows that we both love him no matter what.

I am so grateful for all of my friends who have been so generous and supportive and helped me get moved into my new house and get unpacked and get it all set up. I LOVE it! It's adorable and more than I could have ever imagined when I thought about moving out. I have been so incredibly blessed to be able to figure out everything I needed to have and have so much support.

I feel like I have been so blessed and protected. I feel like God has opened up the windows of heaven and poured blessings down on me. I feel so fortunate that even though the outcome wasn't what either of us would have planned, we are both so much happier and better off now.

Yesterday I went to the temple. I thought that I would cry and be upset the entire time, but once again God was there with me. I happened to sit right next to an older lady who lives in our stake. She has been divorced. She is now remarried and in a much better situation. I just kept thinking about her the entire time. I kept feeling so much peace and love. I know that God has a plan for me, that I will have a marvelous future and that I will find love and joy once again. I felt such love and comfort in the temple yesterday. I was surprised how calm I felt. I didn't even cry. I love the blessings of the temple and the peace and joy it brings to my life.

It's been an emotional, crazy week, but I am confident that God is with me. I know that mamma is watching over me and I know that I made the right choice. As hard as this week as been, and as hard as it is to move forward, I know that I will find joy and peace as I continue to follow the commandments and keep my covenants.

The rest of the story....for now

{see the next post for the first half of the story}

The next few days were spent getting Skylar ready to leave. We had 48 hours and about 40 million things to do. We ran errands, made lists, helped pack, took care of mom and tried to keep the house all together. It was busy and crazy!!

We got up early Monday morning and went to the Provo Temple to do some sealings. It was fun to go with Skylar and get to hear the promised blessings of eternal families. It's weird, but I have never been to the Provo Temple. The Mount Timpanogos Temple was built the year that I was married, so we always went to the Mt. Timp temple and this was the first time I had ever been to Provo.

Amber left on Monday and I'm sure it was hard for them to say goodbye to each other!

Tuesday afternoon came and we had to finalize everything before he was set apart and left for the airport. {He flew on a redeye flight that left the SLC airport at 11:45pm.} The Stake President came to mom and dad's house at 5pm to set him apart. He asked mom and dad to each share their testimonies and then he asked any of us if we wanted to share something, it was a very emotional and spiritual experience for all of us. Skylar was the last one to share his testimony and he is going to be a fantastic missionary. He is so mature and so well prepared. Then is was time and he was set apart as a full time missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Dad, Mom and Skylar after his setting apart

We took some family pictures....again....I'm so proud of this kid. Man, he's such a good example to me!

And then it was time to go. Mom wasn't sure she wanted to go. She was tired and weak, but she knew that Skylar would want her to go and she is brave and strong and would do anything for her children, so she went...and it was long and hard and painful....but she went, because she's amazing!! We took a bunch more pictures and got him all checked in and met another missionary going to his same mission....we said goodbye and took more pictures and cried and prolonged it over and over....and then it was finally time....and he left....and was smiling....oh how we will miss him!!

See you in two, Elder McDonald!!

And then....I didn't know what to do. The pictures were done, Skylar was gone, mom was doing ok and what do I do now? What else do I need to do before I leave? I cleaned the house and washed all the bedding, I did all the laundry and cleaned everything I could. We had just started making some plans with a few people to come visit mom over the weekend, she was feeling pretty good and we figured her numbers would be good because she was on the last week before her next chemo treatment. {we have since learned that maybe we shouldn't make plans, every time we do something happens}

Saturday morning I was trying to finish up cleaning the house. I had just started a movie for mom on her TV and I went out to vacuum the hallway, I came back in mom's room to ask her a question and she couldn't answer me. She tried several times to answer me, but it was just mumbled. I wasn't sure what to do. Dad came over to the bed and we both tried to talk to her, but she couldn't answer either of us. We could tell that something was wrong. We called the nurse and then called Dr. Bott and he told us to get her to the ER immediately. Dad thought maybe she was dehydrated, but I was pretty sure that something more serious was wrong. So we hurried....and left. Dad and I were both pretty scared. On the way down to the ER, her lip was drooping and she couldn't talk to us at all. I was pretty sure she was having a stroke, but I've never seen one and I didn't know.

We got to the ER and they thought the same thing....and they got her back in ASAP, it was packed and every room was full, but she was moved to the top of the list. They had her in for a CT scan within about 20 minutes....and then we waited....and waited....but yes, she was having a stroke. And we would just have to wait and see, but they were going to admit her so they could monitor her over night. So we waited for a room and then they moved us to the 2nd floor, which is critical care {one step up from ICU}, so they monitor you more frequently.

I love this picture of me helping take care of mom. I hate all of this hospital stuff, but I am so much more compassionate and have so much more empathy because of this experience. I love you mom!!

They finally got her settled in her room. The bishop came to visit and Brett was there. We knew that Jeff was on his way so we waited for him to get there and then the Bishop gave mom a blessing.

About an hour after the blessing, she started talking more clearly. She was a lot more coherent, she was able to tell us how she was feeling and we knew that God had answered our prayers. By the next morning she was almost completely back to normal, the doctor asked her what percent better she was, she said 99.9% and wanted to know when she could leave the hospital!! {yep, feeling better}

Unfortunately, they wanted to run a bunch of tests to see if they could find a reason for the stroke....so she was there for 2 more days waiting for the tests and results. Poor mom. I'm so sorry!!

This was my update from Team Cindy the next morning:

Mom is doing pretty good this morning. She had a procedure this morning, they put a camera down her throat to get a better view of her heart, which she said was the most HORRIBLE thing she's ever had done! (Way worse than childbirth). She threw up the entire time and was so miserable. The bad news is she does have a hole in her heart. This is pretty common. They are trying to decide if they are going to close it while we are here. We are waiting to meet with the cardiologist and the neurologist. This is what caused the stroke, but we are grateful that she should have no long term effects. The good news is that we got the tumor marker results and her number is 88!!!! (Down from 102.4) and when we drained the fluid last night we barely could get one bag, which means that it's decreasing. The Dr. is very pleased that the chemo seems to be working!!!! We are so thankful for your prayers and fasting, the Lord hears and answers!!!

They did find a hole in her heart, but they decided that mom didn't need to procedure to close the hole in her heart. It's very small and they don't know for sure that it was the cause of the stroke, and the procedure is very expensive and it might not even make any difference. She's probably had the hole her whole life. She came home last night and was very, very worn out. She's feeling a little better today. We're meeting with the doctor tomorrow and hope to do chemo by the end of the week. I'll let you know when we decide. Thanks again for your prayers and fasting in our behalf. We are so grateful for the tender mercies of our loving Heavenly Father.

By the time we left, she was miserable and sick and tired of being poked and prodded and bothered. She just wanted to sleep {something they don't let you do at the hospital!}

We didn't know that they were going to send her home so quick on Monday night, so Jeff and I went up to Bridal Veil Falls for a picnic and to take some pictures, but the time we got home, Amber and Dad had brought mom home. I took some fun pictures of Kaitlyn while we were up there. It's so pretty in the mountains!!

Mom was only home for a day before we had to go back to meet with Dr. Bott. It's always something.

Thankfully the chemo is on it's way and we are so grateful for yet another tender mercy from our loving Heavenly Father. We are so blessed to be able to receive the chemo that we need for mom's treatment. It is such a huge blessing for us.  She did great at chemo today. I decided to stay home and clean the house while Dad took her for the treatment. I had several of mom's friends come to the house and help me and we got the whole house cleaned in just over an hour. {Thank you!!}

I had to get ready to go home the next day. I wasn't sure I was prepared to go home. I knew I couldn't stay, but I wasn't sure I was ready to move on with life while mom's so sick.  Before I left, Haylee and I had a good time taking some pictures....she even did a pretty good job taking some of me!!

And then it was time to go....and I'm sad and hurt and I hate all of this!!!!

I've traveled WAY more this summer than I've ever traveled in my life. I've had more stress and worry and fear this summer than any time in my life. I've wondered and worried and prayed and cried. I've had to do things I never wanted to do, I've had to talk about things I've never wanted to talk about. It's scary and painful and not at all fair. But, I've never once asked "why me", "why us", because honestly, "why not us"?

Trials are a part of life. Trials make us who we are. Trails shape us and mold us into the beings that our Father in Heaven wants us to become. I would not be the person that I am today without the trials that I have been through. I know what it's like to be a struggling young wanna-be-mom who wants nothing more than to have her own child. I know what it's like to literally fall on my knees and beg my Father in Heaven for the gift of a child in my life. I know the pain of 10 years of not receiving the answer to that prayer. I know the pain of addiction and the harm it does to your marriage and family. I know how hard it is to struggle without employment and not know from month to month how to make the money we have stretch to be enough.

I know the pain of your only child turning away from everything you believe to be true. I struggle with feelings of worthlessness and depression, because I am his mother and I should be enough. I struggle to be good enough each day. I know the pain of rejection.  I know the pain of watching my mom face the worst kind of pain and suffering that I've ever seen. I know how horrible cancer and chemotherapy are on the human body. I  know what it's like to fall on my knees again and beg that the answer to this prayer is different. I know pain and heartache.

BUT, because of these same trials, I am full of compassion and empathy for the young struggling wanna-be-mom who wants nothing more than to have her own child. I wish I could tell her that God has a plan and that she can be happy even if she never has a child, that through the atonement of our Savior, she can find peace and joy. I wish I could tell her that she is enough. Just because she is God's daughter. I wish I could tell her there is a reason for her trial of infertility. Because of these trials, I know that our prayers are answered, even when they are not answered the way that we think they should be. I received the Saviors loving arms around me and healing to my broken heart when no other children we meant to come to our family.

Because of these trials, I know that through the atonement of our Savior you can overcome addition. You can be healed. You can repent for anything and he will forgive. Because of His atonement, I know that I can forgive and that I can move forward with peace and joy. Because of these trials, I have learned that when you faithfully pay your tithing, the Lord is bound and he will take care of your needs. When you trust in his law and have faith in his perfect plan, he will not leave you to "fend for yourself". He will provide and he will protect you. He will not take all of the trials from you, but he will direct you to answers you wouldn't have otherwise thought of.

Because of these trials, I have learned that our agency is a gift from a loving Heavenly Father. I have learned that I can love my son even when he isn't doing exactly what I want him to do. I have learned unconditional love. I have learned that forcing was satan's plan and that my example is more important than any words I could ever say to him. Because of these trials I have learned that I am enough. I have learned that I don't have to worry about doing anything to be enough. I am enough because I am His. I don't have to produce something or be something to prove my worth. I have learned to lean on my husband and to talk to him when I need comfort.

Because of these trials I have learned that His tender mercies are real. I have learned that it's ok to take one day at a time and not to borrow worry from tomorrow. I have learned to talk about how I feel when I am stressed out. I have learned that it's ok to break down and cry and have a tantrum, as long as I get back up and move forward with faith. I have learned that the Plan of Salvation and Eternal Life is real. I know that we will see our loved ones again. Because of these trials, I have really thought about my testimony and I know that we will all live together in the eternities. I have learned that we have eternity to figure this all out and that I don't have to know everything right now. I have learned that I can lean on my Savior and that He will always be there for me. I have learned that he is faithful and steadfast and the same yesterday, today and forever.

I have learned that people are good. I have learned that people care and love and are touched by so many different things. I have learned that we are all here on the earth to help each other and to be a part of each others' lives. I have learned that none of us are alone in our journey here. I have learned that those who have struggled through trials are prepared to be there for us when we are struggling. Because they know.  I have learned the power of prayer and fasting. I have learned to be specific when I pray. I have learned the power of the spending time in the temple and the temple prayer roll. I have learned to lean on the power of priesthood blessings and to ask for them when I need extra strength.

I have learned to have compassion for those who are struggling with so many trials all at one time. I have learned that the only way we can have the strength to endure is through the Grace of God. I have learned to listen and to feel. I have learned that I don't need to fix everything. I have learned to be still. I have learned that when I take a deep breath, when I stop and clear my mind, when I feel his spirit and trust his plan that ALL is well. That I am wrapped in his arms and that I am safe. He knows me. I am his daughter. He wants me to be happy, he wants me to progress. He sent me these trials to shape me into the person that I am becoming. He sees so much more in me that I can see in myself. And in the end, it will all be ok. Because of Him, I am saved from my sins and shortcomings. Because of Him, I can be made whole. Because of Him, I will live with my family through all eternity. Because of Him, all that is unfair will be made right.

And because of these trials, I have learned that I am a very different person. A much better person. So, "why not me"?